10 Tips for Dealing with a Child’s Demanding Behaviors

24 May 2012

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Let’s face it – kids will test your limits. They will push your buttons. How do we deal with a child’s demanding behavior? Following are 10 tips we hope will help you manage this difficult phase.

  1. Be concrete – Don’t confuse your child by saying, “In a little while.” Or “In a bit.” Instead, be specific. For example, “We’ll read the book after you finish brushing your teeth.” Or “You can play outside when you put the toys away inside the container.”
  2. Take turns – Practice taking turns with the child. For example, during play time, say, “We are going to take turns choosing what we play. You go first, then I will go next.” You can model this in other areas as well: taking turns picking a movie, what to eat Friday nights and what drink mix, etc. This builds cooperation and teamwork.
  3. Give choices – Try to say “No” less. Instead, give choices. This will allow them to express their voice and gives them a sense of control. To avoid confusion, be careful not to give too many choices. Allowing the child to choose can be used as a distraction. For example, you can say, “You can color or play your DS while you wait for dinner.” Or have things set up for the child to avoid frustrations. For example, use coloring mats during meal times. It promotes learning and invites dialogue while you finish up a meal.
  4. Keep structure – Knowing what’s next alleviates anxiety. I know there are times when keeping structure is difficult. One way to help a child know what’s next is by using a timer. For example, when watching television, say, “When the bell rings, it’s time to turn off the T.V.”
  5. Explain the consequences – Be clear about the consequences before the child has opportunity to “misbehave.” For example, before going to the store, say, “We are only buying what’s on our list.” I find that having the child hold and “help check off” the list helps them focus. When they say, “I want…” I ask, “Is it on our list?” I play it off, then say, “No, it’s not” and just keep walking.
  6. Read a book or watch a movie – Books or movies can provide great examples regarding various topics. After reading a book or watching a movie, talk about it. Ask questions that will open the dialogue. Please don’t give examples of what your child is doing wrong. Instead, use the characters and ask the child a question about what happened with the character. To reinforce the concept you are trying to instill, refer back to the character as many times as possible.
  7. Play games – Games have the potential to teach a demanding child the concept of “taking turns.” The child will learn that there are times of rest, passing and other times engaging in “their turn.” Children learn to empathy with others as they learn the game of “loosing” or “winning.”
  8. Model delayed gratification – This is important. Show your child that you are able to wait for those things you really want. For example, when shopping don’t buy an entire outfit. Instead, discuss the concept of being a “good steward.” Even if you can afford it, this will help the child understand that “we can’t always buy what we want.”
  9. Teach the difference between needs and wants – When a child’s impulsive tendency surfaces, they are not able to recognize it. Parenting requires helping your child identify their impulsive behaviors and help them choose wisely.  We don’t need a new bicycle. We want it. We need food, but we don’t need an ice cream cone. We want it. Check your own vocabulary and try to catch yourself when you misuse the word need.
  10. Be consistent and stay calm – As the adult, you have to be consistent and stay calm. It won’t help for you to show your frustration or anger.  In fact, it will only make things worse. So, model staying calm. Remember that eliminating demanding behaviors will take effort and energy. It’s all about trial and error but most of all, it takes time to reinforce these concepts.

Rest in His Word: Proverbs 22:6

“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” (NIV)

Heart Checkup:

  • Go back to the list and mark the ones you already implement with your children. Great!
  • Now, for the ones that you didn’t check, pick one that you can begin implementing today. Just one. Focus on it, get good at it and share it with others. Once you master it, move to another item.

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I’ve Become a Jesus Hogger!

22 May 2012

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I’m quite embarrassed to admit that I’ve become a Jesus hogger. What do I mean? Well, I have not been sharing Christ with others lately. To hog according to dictionary.com is “to appropriate selfishly; take more than one’s share of.” Wow! I’ve taken more of my share of Jesus and have not given back. I’ve been so busy with my life that I’ve disregarded what it means to truly share the Good News. So how did I come to realize I’m hogging Jesus? Read on…

Two weeks ago, I woke up to a lovely sound… prayer! An unknown voice was leading my neighbor to salvation. I sat up on my bed. I thought it was fantastic. I put my ear close to the window to hear more (I know, but I just had to witness it). Then, I began thanking the Lord for her salvation. And then it hit me… Man, I’ve been hogging Jesus all this time. I had been praying for that “one day they will be saved,” but I never took the steps to share Christ. I missed the privilege to lead her to eternal salvation.

That day was tough. I tried to rationalize and come up with different “excuses” as to why I had not talked to them about Christ, but it wasn’t enough. I was guilty! I’ve become so comfortable and preoccupied with my life that I’ve missed opportunities to share Christ. Have you ever felt that way? Take the quiz below to find out if you’re a Jesus hogger.

Jesus Hogger Quiz – Answer Yes or No if you have done any of the following this week:

  1. Did you share your testimony with someone? – ☐Yes     ☐No
  2. Did you lead someone to Christ? – ☐Yes     ☐No
  3. Did you invite your neighbors to church? – ☐Yes     ☐No
  4. Did you share the message of salvation? – ☐Yes     ☐No
  5. Did you pray with someone? – ☐Yes     ☐No
  6. Did you invite friend, family or coworker to a church event? – ☐Yes     ☐No
  7. Have you been intentional in reaching someone for Jesus? – ☐Yes     ☐No
  8. Do you often feel guilty when you don’t share Jesus? – ☐Yes     ☐No
  9. What would you add here? _________________________________

Okay, so you get the point. Obviously, the more NO’s you have, the more you are hogging Jesus. If you’re like me, you may be hesitant in sharing due to shyness, embarrassment, and lack of Biblical knowledge. Maybe you are very anxious when you speak to strangers. Or just maybe, you haven’t given it the priority it deserves (that has been my excuse).

So, why don’t you start with something attainable? Here’s what I did the following week after my hogging revelation. I invited my neighbor to our women’s event. Granted, she couldn’t come, but the seed has been planted. I made contact. Now, I can go back and follow up with other events. Won’t you share Jesus? Please share your hogging experience and tell me how you plan to share Jesus this week.

One more way to share Jesus: Click on this link to see this video that shares Jesus. You can add a button to your blog or website to share Jesus with others – http://www.simplysharejesus.com/

Rest in His Word: Acts 1:8

 “But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.” (NIV)

Heart Checkup:

  • Ask yourself, have I been hogging Jesus? If so, don’t be so hard on yourself. Remember that this is an opportunity to take action.
  • Write down any ideas you have on how to share Jesus. Start small. Maybe it’s sending someone a card. Then follow up with a phone call and pray with them.
  • If you have been sharing Jesus, be honest and examine your heart. Has sharing Jesus become mechanical for you? Is your heart truly in sharing because you are grateful or do you do it cause you have to?

The Gift of Thirst

21 May 2012

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Have you ever had such great thirst that you crave a large cup of water or maybe your favorite drink? Now, have you felt so much desire to be close to God, but yet you feel so far away? This morning I began to question so many things in my life. I found myself at a place of dryness – a place where I have such need to seek God and know His will. My thoughts kept taking me back to dry times in my life where God always satisfied my thirst.

Then, he reminded me that being thirsty is His free gift to me. Without being thirsty, will I truly go to Him for my need? If I so satisfied, will I seek to desire Him? So, I thanked Him for this dryness. Then, I was reminded of this verse in Isaiah 55:1-2:

“Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; 
and you who have no money,
 come, buy and eat!
 Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. Why spend money on what is not bread,
 and your labor on what does not satisfy? 
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and you will delight in the richest of fare. Give ear and come to me;
 listen, that you may live. 
I will make an everlasting covenant with you,
 my faithful love promised to David.”

I’m so thankful for times where I am thirsty for more. These times allow me to make the choice of either turning to God to satisfy me or to attempt to quench the thirst on my own. If I choose the latter, I know the results will be superficial and will only lead me back to God – the ultimate thirst quencher.

On my Bible, next to this verse, I wrote the following:

  1. Be Open
  2. Listen to God
  3. Believe in His Goodness
  4. Live

If you are thirsty, I want to encourage you to be open to God’s word in your life. He is asking you to listen to Him – not what others may be saying to you. Once you hear Him, then Believe His word. He only wants good things for you. Then, allow your soul to live – to dwell in His presence.

I truly hope that just as your body needs water, that you desire the everlasting water to satisfy your soul – that is Jesus. The Lord is inviting you to come and drink… Thank Him for this free gift of thirst because He will surely satisfy you.

Rest in His Word: Isaiah 55:6

“Seek the Lord while he may be found; call on him while he is near.” (NIV) 

Heart Checkup:

  • Can you recall times in your life where you were so thirsty, but God satisfied you?
  • Write them down and thank Him for those times.
  • Have you even recognized your thirst? What steps have you taken to got the waters?

Anger’s Two Cousins

19 May 2012

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Anger is an emotion that we all experience as human beings. What differs is how we express it. For some, it’s a struggle to manage anger. Unfortunately, when not managed, anger has destructive consequences. Some individuals loose their job; others suffer from relationship breakups and personal inner turmoil. As we experience anger, it’s important we learn how to deal with it effectively.

Let me share the following scenario:

Rose had a rough night. Got four hours sleep. Woke up late and had to hurry to get ready. Didn’t make the drive thru for her coffee. She gets to the office late, which her boss frowns upon. She couldn’t concentrate during the meeting… kept thinking of all the things she had to do at home. She feels pressured to finish the deadline for the company’s project. It’s finally time to go home. She’s stuck in traffic. Has a huge headache. Then, remembers she didn’t take the chicken out to defrost, so she has to go through drive-thru. Gets home and it’s a mess. Her honey arrives and makes a face at the food she bought. Then…. Yes, it’s coming. She can’t take it anymore. She yells at him, starts to cry, throws the sandwich on the floor, storms into her room and locks herself in.

Wow! Is it too dramatic? Let’s be honest, we can all relate. It starts with one little thing, in this case, poor sleep. Then it just trickles down. Let’s clarify that anger just doesn’t come upon us, but that we can identify early on when those anger triggers are lit up. Only then are we able to nip anger in the butt before it turns ugly. How do we do that? Well, let me introduce to you three cousins that can help bring some clarity. They are:

Cousin 1 – Frustration

  • Frustration is annoyed all the time. Nicknamed the Complainer. Tends to roll his eyes, puffs, moans and groans. His internal script is – “I can’t change the situation and it’s affecting my well-being.”

Cousin 2 – Anger

  • Anger is well known and popular. Nicknamed Grumpy. He tends to walk around irritable, raising his voice and walking away from people – just plain old rude. Sometimes he tends to isolate or he can be up in your face. His internal script is – “Look what they did to me, they don’t love me, they don’t care about me.”

Cousin 3 – Aggression

  • Cousin aggression is hostile and violent. Nicknamed the Bully. He physically, verbally and emotionally violates other’s rights. He knows this and doesn’t care. He only looks out for his own well-being. His internal script is – “I don’t know what to do! I feel threatened here. I need to protect myself.”

So what do you think about these three cousins? How often are they in your home? Now, I introduced the three them so you can see how it’s possible to move from frustration to anger, which can then lead to aggression. Yes, they are all the same – just varying degrees. I just wanted to make some distinctions to help you in identify how your triggers get lid up. Frustration is anger, just on a smaller scale. And aggression is anger on a larger scale.

Now, they serve crucial functions. Yes, believe it or not, they are helpful and have some good – if we choose to see it. Let’s go back to their internal scripts and identify the themes:

Cousin 1 – Frustration

  • Script: “I can’t change the situation and it’s affecting my well-being.”
  • Theme: UNMET NEEDS

How is it helpful? Well, as you begin to get frustrated, practice identifying what bothers you. Name it. Then, determine what you can do about it. If it’s out of your control, then let it go. There is always an unmet need. What is it? Learn to ask for help. Rewrite your script. For example, “Gosh, I slept four hours. No wonder I’m so irritable. When I get home, I am taking a bubble bath and going to bed early. It would help if my hubby picks up dinner. I will call and ask.”

God’s Word: “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” – James 1:19 (ESV)

Cousin 2 – Anger

  • Script: “Look what he did to me, he doesn’t love me, he don’t care about me.”
  • Theme: HURT

How is it helpful? Well, take a look at what hurt you? Again, name it. Being aware of what bothers you is much more helpful than walking around grumpy and not knowing where its coming from. Are you able to tell the person that hurt you? What is the evidence you have that your script is true? If there is none, then maybe you need to evaluate your script. Replace it with a more realistic script. For example, “He did leave the room, but he always comes back and tells me he loves me. I will tell him how much it hurts me when he walks away.”

God’s Word: “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” – Ephesians 4:26-27 (NIV)

Cousin 3 – Aggression

  • Script: “I don’t know what to do! I feel threatened here. I need to protect myself.”
  • Theme: FEAR

Now, at this point, whatever you say to yourself or what others say won’t be helpful. If cousin Aggression is already in the room, I’m sorry to say that it’s a bit too late. What needs to happen after cousin leaves the room is to evaluate the situation. This is done once you are calm again. Only then, can you really think about what you’ve done and what is going on internally for you. So, name the fears. What was so bad? Try to come up with a list of options. Maybe share them with someone who can give a more balanced perspective.

God’s Word: “Put your sword back in its place,” Jesus said to him, “for all who draw the sword will die by the sword.” – Matthew 26:52 (NIV)

If you don’t want these three culprits lurking your home, I suggest you try to identify some of the internal scripts, needs and behaviors you may be exhibiting. Once identified, it will be easier to express your needs and set proper boundaries. Don’t allow your anger to become sin by letting it stir and boil within your heart. Follow the Lord’s example by forgiving and not holding resentments. Overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21).

Rest in His Word: Psalm 145:8

“The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.”(NIV)

Heart Checkup:

  • Go back and examine the three cousins. Make it a point to truly examine your heart in these three areas. Bring the scripts and themes to God so He can reveal to them to you.
  • Find an accountability partner whom you trust. Share what you are learning, implementing as well as the daily struggles.
  • Always pray for wisdom and self-control.

Like the information above? Get a one pager and share with friends and family.

Go to the FREE Worksheets page:

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*Author’s Note: The term, “Anger’s Two Cousins,” originated from Paul White (Child Therapist).

Let God BUT In!

15 May 2012

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Can you recall the last time when your thoughts began to spiral down a negative path? I’ve been down that lane so many times. I start with good intentions, expressing my needs and wants, yet manage to insert one little word that plants doubt, fear and insecurities into my heart. The little word is… but. Although small, it has great impact in our faith.

Those buts go something like this:

  1. I want God’s peace, but my problems are too big to be solved.
  2. I know God wants good things for me, but when are they coming?
  3. I want to be patient, but it’s so hard to wait for an answer…
  4. I know God loves me, but I sure don’t feel it right now…
  5. I want to be used by God, but there’s no way God will use me; I’m such a sinner…

Does this sound familiar? If your but is not on the list, insert it here: __________________________, but _______________________________________

You get the point right? By adding that one little word (but), it takes us down a turbulent road. Instead, why don’t we allow God to BUT in? You see, part of the problem is that we try to take control of something that is out of our control. When we allow God to BUT in, we can begin to see the genuine road we were meant to travel; the one where He is in control, leading the way, which decreases our anxieties and helps us trust in Him.

Let’s clarify that God’s BUTS are bigger and valid. Our buts are small and false. Our buts are toxic. God’s BUTS produce vitality in our mind and heart. Our buts come from within; whereas God’s BUTS come from Him – the source of ALL power! So, let’s rewind and see how God BUTS in*:

1. I want God’s peace, but my problems are too big.

God BUTS in by reminding you…

Your flesh and your heart may fail, BUT I am the strength of your heart and your portion forever. – Psalm 73:26

2. I know God wants good things for me, but when are they coming?

God BUTS in by reminding you…

You were separated from Christ, alienated from the commonwealth of Israel and stranger to the covenants of promise, having no hope and without me, God, in the world. BUT now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near. – Ephesians 2:12–13

3. I want to be patient, but it’s so hard to wait for an answer…

God BUTS in and reminds you:

BUT it is written: Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, Nor have entered into the heart of man the things, which I have prepared for you who love me. BUT I, God, have revealed them to you through My Spirit. For the Spirit searches all things, yes, My deep things. – 1 Corinthians 2:9-10

4. I know God loves me, but I sure don’t feel it right now…

God BUTS in and reminds you:

For while you were still weak, at the right time Christ, my son, died for you – the ungodly. For human beings will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— BUT I showed my great love for you that while you were still a sinner, my son Jesus died for you. – Romans 5:6–8

5. I want to be used by God, but there’s no way God will use me; I’m such a sinner…

God BUTS in and reminds you:

BUT when my kindness and my love appeared, not by works of righteousness, which men have done, BUT according to my mercy I saved you, through the washing of regeneration and renewing of the Holy Spirit. – Titus 3:4-5

I hope that now that you have a glimpse of the way God BUTS in, that you allow Him to take over your buts. Next time you begin spiraling down a negative path, remember that God wants to BUT in your life. He cares and loves you that much to BUT in!

Rest in His Word: Acts 9:4-6

And falling to the ground he heard a voice saying to him, “Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting me?” And he said, “Who are you, Lord?” And He said, “I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting. BUT rise and enter the city, and you will be told what you are to do.” (ESV) 

Heart Checkup:

  • Can you recall a time when you were so low that the Lord Butted in and raised you up?
  • Give thanks to the Lord for caring enough about you…
  • Look for other Buts in your Bible and highlight them.

*Note: Emphasis and changes made to personalize the verse.

Expand My Territory: A Lesson from the Fish Tank

3 May 2012

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A couple weeks ago, I was feeling a bit insecure… As I sat in the waiting room of the spa, I was admiring a huge fish tank full of colorful fish. One of the staff members came to feed the fish and dropped food inside. The balls dropped all the way down to the sand. Immediately the big fish swam toward the food. I noticed a small fish that kept coming out from the protection of the ferns. It would peek its head out. When it felt safe, it would come out and take a bite. Suddenly the big fish would arrive again and the little fish would go back to its shelter. This went on for a while. Finally, the little fish was no longer afraid to eat side by side with the big fish. I was mesmerized by the behaviors exhibited in these fish. Now, don’t start thinking that I was psychoanalyzing the fish. Rather, the fish were giving me therapy.

God began to talk to me. No, not in an audible voice, but rather my thoughts took me to my feelings of insecurity; fear of the future, apprehensions about my capabilities, anxiety that somehow it would not be enough. I felt like that tiny fish – afraid to come out of its little cave due to the uncertainty that if I let another fish in my tank, I would fail at keeping my territory. Then, the first lesson came… I learned that although it may seem that the big fish were eating all the food, even the little fish were satisfied. God reassured me that there is plenty for everyone. You see, as the big fish took bites, bits and pieces of the food dispersed throughout the fish tank. The amount of food the little fish received was just enough for its size.

Then the second lesson came. The Lord allowed me to see (literally) how he was expanding my territory, but in order for this to happen I had to take the risk like that little fish. As the little fish began to take small risks, it practiced feeling uncomfortable around the bigger fish. Eventually, it was courageous enough to stay and eat with the big fish. I thought, “Although others may have big titles or may seem above us, we are all the same. What matters is how we live out our life for Christ.” When we allow God to use our territory for the benefit of another, He will surely expand it and bless us even more.

Today, if you are feeling like a little fish, I hope these thoughts bring hope into your heart. God is in control. He will surely supply all your needs according to His riches and glory (Philippians 4:19).

Rest in His Word: 1 Chronicles 4:10

“Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, “Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain.” And God granted his request.” (NIV)

Heart Checkup:

  • Write down the fears you may have and ask the Lord to replace them with His peace.
  • Are you feeling like a little fish today?
  • Why don’t you take small risks that will help you practice toward the bigger goal?