Category Archives: Relationships & Marriage

Good relationships don’t just happen, they take work!

4 Key Stances to Communication

29 April 2013

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These 4 stances are key to developing healthier relationships.

These 4 stances are key to developing healthier relationships.

Communication is truly an art, which takes practice. In order to be effective communicators, there must be awareness of our inward stances. It’s not enough to be silent as we listen, as some believe. Instead, it takes effort and intentionality to be able to have deeper and meaningful connections with others.

I was originally going to write this for parents of teens, but as I reflected on the four stances I realized this is what I teach my clients in the office when it comes to communicating with others. So, these four stances are key to developing healthier relationships in marriage, family and with others in our lives. It’s a way to see ourselves, not other, and begin to understand and master the art of communication.

We all know what it’s like when communication doesn’t go as expected. We become frustrated, overwhelmed, confused, which in turn leaves us full of resentments. Ironically, this only creates a bigger gap in our communication… and the cycle continues! So, how do we begin to understand others? How do we connect? How do we communicate?

True communication begins with our inward stance; it’s about the position of our heart and mind! “Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind.” 1 Peter 3:8 (ESV) When we communicate with a difficult person (husband, wife, teen, etc.), we tend to focus on all the wrongs of the other and dismiss our wrongs. The 4 stances are a good starting point to begin making inward changes in the hopes of influencing (not controlling) the other person. Remember, we can’t change others – we can only change ourselves. So do it right!

The 4 Key Stances to Communication:

1. Empathy: Relating to the pain and concerns of others.

 “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” Matthew 7:12 (ESV)

One of the things I find in my therapy room is a lack of empathy; this goes for couples as well as parents. It’s difficult to be empathic when there’s been an injury in the relationship. We turn away from those that hurt us in order to protect ourselves, which is understandable and in some situations necessary. But if we truly want to heal, we must learn to empathize and have compassion (taking action because we’ve empathized) for others.

Being able to put your agenda to the side and relate to your child or partner’s pain and concerns is important. When we look at the situation from our own lens (perspective), we distort the motives and feelings of others, which results in a division. Think about it for just a second? Remember a time when you were hurt… how would you have wanted other’s to treat you? What is it that you needed from them? Did you want them to empathize with your pain? The last thing I want to hear from someone is, “You need to do this…? Or “Have you tried that…?” I want for someone to just listen and be there for me. It’s human nature to want to be heard – so hear someone out.

2. Safety: Accepting others despite differences in opinions and tolerating negative feelings.

“Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.” Proverbs 11:14 (ESV)

Usually, when we think of safety, we think of physical protection. In relationships, the environment must feel safe in order to freely express feelings and thoughts without fear of being withheld love, rejected, ridiculed or undermined. Think about it? How many times, have you stopped yourself from sharing when the other person begins telling you what to do, begins to roll their eyes, begins to undermine your feelings? Or, maybe you are that person? We shut down because the trust has been broken.

Part of creating safety is being aware of your body language, tone of voice and your intentions. We are very good at reading non-verbal cues. Many times, what we say is not what we are truly communicating on the outside. This means being able to put emotions aside (temporarily). If we can all just learn this: It’s not about me, but about the other. Does that sound like too much? Well, it takes practice. This is especially true for parents. You see, parents make it about themselves and forget about their teen. They go on and on about their feelings and forget to ask what the teen feels or thinks! The same is true for couples. We can get so emotionally charged, that we forget to be a safe person for one another.

3. Patience: Ability to keep emotionally regulated.

“Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.” Romans 12:12 (ESV)

Patience is being able to respond lovingly in the face of being provoked or wronged. If there is one thing I have learned by being a parent, it’s that I cannot soothe my child when I’m in an anxious state. As the adult, I need to be emotionally regulated (calm) in order to help my child.

It’s the same principle in other relationships. What happens many times is that the parent becomes overwhelmed and allows that anxiety to stir within… the child senses that anxiety and they become more anxious… creating even more fear in the parent that leads to further distance.

The key here is to be mindful that being patient doesn’t mean you agree with what the other says. It just means that you are intentional about your (1) Timing and (2) Response Time… Let me explain the difference between these two. Timing involves WHEN you will bring something up to your child or spouse. It is so common for parents to want to solve for a problem, but we miss the right time. Your teen just got home from school or they are in the middle of homework or studying and you want to “solve” the problem. Timing is essential! Look for opportunities when you are both calm – that is usually a good indicator that it’s the right time.

Response time involves HOW you say things as you communicate. For example, your wife is now ready to talk (timing) and you begin to talk about the conflict you had earlier. She begins to tell you her perspective and you begin to interrupt… Wrong response time! Wait until she is done and ask her if you can speak and give your point of view. This really does take us back to the first stance – having empathy.

4. Contact: The gift of being present and connecting.

“Let love be genuine; hate what is evil, hold fast to what is good; love one another with mutual affection; outdo one another in showing honor.” Romans 12:9-10

After you have practiced the above three stances, what results is the gift of contact. This really means staying engaged with the person – being present. True contact is the manifestation of LOVE! Our love must be sincere, without any strings attached. We mistake love as us having to show with things we do or say, but what about loving others by being present with them?

Having contact with teens means being curious about their life (the world they live in, which is so complex). I find that many parents ask questions that shorten the conversation. They ask, “Did you like the party?” The teen can answer, “Yes” or “No.” Asking open-ended questions is always helpful. For example, “Tell me about your day?” “What was the highlight of your day?” Asking your teen about their day or something that’s important to them set the stage for them to be receptive and open to your own concerns.

Contact means building on the relationship and the trust between two people. Contact means that we put away the belief that we have to solve the problem… that we have to teach our kids a lesson… that we have to make sure to teach them morals… these come out of our own fears! Contact simply means enjoying the now with your kid or spouse. Learning how to be with one another despite the good and the bad.

I will leave you with this important question I learned in a parenting class… When you find yourself frustrated and unwilling to make changes (with husband, wife, teen, child, parent, etc.), ask yourself,

Is what I am doing or saying helping build contact?

Rest in His Word: Philippians 2:3

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.”

Heart Checkup:

  • Go back to the 4 Stances and be honest with yourself. What are the stances you need to improve?
  • Why is empathy so important in our Christian walk?
  • What am I doing to be a safe person with my kids, spouse and others?
  • Bring these to the Lord and ask for His guidance.

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4 Steps to Reflective Listening

8 August 2012

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Communication can sometimes be very difficult, but with patience and perseverance, you can learn to have a deeper and more intimate relationship with those you love.

For many parents, it’s difficult to help their child learn to express his/her feelings. Sometimes, parents or spouses don’t know how to express their own feelings to each other, which creates a great wall of frustration and disappointments. Healthy and honest communication takes skill and great patience. I hope that the following guidelines of Reflective Listening will assist you in communicating more effectively and begin sharing feelings with one another.

  1. Be respectful of the other’s feelings:

Listen quietly and attentively. Put your agenda on hold! Don’t judge or try to come up with a solution. This doesn’t mean you agree with them, but it does mean you are respectful of their opinion. Your goal is to listen and understand the other person.

  1. Give good non-verbal signals:

Pay attention to your body language. If this is a child speaking to you, you may want to go at their eye level (on your knees or sitting down). Maintain good eye contact and show that you are paying attention by nodding your head occasionally. Sometimes it helps to verbally say, “yes” or “mmm” etc.

  1. Briefly reflect what you heard:

Here is where it gets tricky. This skill takes practice and time to master. Reflective listening requires for you to summarize what you heard. You don’t have to use the exact words the person is saying (just capture the meaning), which includes their feelings and thoughts.

If it’s a child, you may need to help them label their feelings (Feeling Chart). Children tend to exaggerate their feelings and situations. It’s important that as a parent, you remain calm, in order to help your child. Don’t ever tell your child that they are wrong or they are exaggerating. With time, as you help them label their feelings they will begin to learn to see the situation more realistically. You many need to use simple and short statements to label feelings and describe the situation. It’s okay if you don’t get it right the first time. You will have keep trying until your child feels you got it.

Here are some examples of reflective listening:

Young Child Example

  • “You feel sad (feeling) because you couldn’t go to the mall with Mommy (situation). Is that right?”

Older Child Example

  • “You seem to be feeling disappointed (feeling) or perhaps a little embarrassed (feeling) because of what others will think or say about you (meaning) after you fell during cheer practice (situation).

Adult Example

  • “You feel frustrated (feeling) because I didn’t call you to let you know I was going to be late for dinner (situation). Is that right?”
  • “You seem to be feeling sad (feeling) after I called you “stupid” (situation) because you think it’s disrespectful and degrading (meaning). Is there more?
  1. Come to a conclusion (if possible)

If you are dealing with an adult, you may need to come to an agreement to the disagreement. For example, “So, what you need from me is to call you when I’m running late, so that you can do something else besides wait around for me?” Is that right?

If it’s a child, you may need to help them find a solution. Sometimes, children just need you to hear them. Regardless, teach your child that they have choices. You can say, “What do you think you can do about this situation?” “What else could you have said or done when Tommy hit you?” Brainstorm with your child for possible choices and encourage them to try them. If that doesn’t work, then try something different.

Communication can sometimes be very difficult, but with patience and perseverance, you can learn to have a deeper and more intimate relationship with those you love. I hope the above information is useful to you and others. As you begin to practice these guidelines, may the grace and knowledge of our Lord guide and help you. 

Rest in His Word: Matthew 11:15

“Whoever has ears, let them hear.” (NIV)

Heart Checkup:

  • Have I been hearing the Lord lately? Have I given Him my undivided attention?
  • How can I apply the way I listen to God to listening to others (children, spouse, parents, etc.)?

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Image Credit:  http://www.flickr.com/photos/quinnanya/3298469783/

Couple’s Devotional Time – Is it a Daily Struggle?

30 March 2012

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Share a moment with your spouse to acknowledge your dependence on God to make your marriage the best it can be.

After having our devotional time, with a cup of coffee, this morning, I couldn’t help but feel great joy and gratitude for being married to a wonderful man of God. I’m going to be honest and tell you that I haven’t always felt this way. During the first couple years of our marriage, I longed for my husband to lead us into devotional time. I would suggest, give hints, give direct commands, throw tantrums, get upset… you know, I tried it all… except to truly pray to the Lord with this one longing and desire I had – for my husband to be the spiritual leader of our home.

Until one day, the Lord revealed to me that He has been working on my husband (and myself)… I just needed to be patient and loving. Well, after 12 years of being married, I can say the Lord answered my prayer. Of course, nothing is ever perfect, but what a difference it makes when my husband asks me if I want to have devotional time… priceless.

Ladies, have you ever felt frustrated with your husband’s lack of initiative in the spiritual department? The busyness of life can get in the way of these special moments between couples and God. If you feel discouraged about your situation, just let God do His work. Your job is to pray for your husband and continue having your personal devotional time. When he does initiate, thank him for taking the lead. And most of all, enjoy those moments – cherish them. There’s more to be said about this topic, but I just wanted to instill some hope for you today. Wait upon the Lord.

If you are a husband, take the lead today… it doesn’t have to be professional, nor does it have to be a long devotional. Don’t set a goal of daily devotional. Be realistic. Maybe start once a week and work your way up. The point is to share a moment with your spouse to acknowledge your dependence on God to make your marriage the best it can be.

I would love to hear your feedback and comments… What are some of the barriers that keep you and your spouse from having devotional time?

Rest in His Word: Psalm 119:15

“I meditate on your precepts and consider your ways.” (NIV)

Heart Checkup:

  • Have I been praying for God to change my husband or have I prayed for our spiritual hunger to grow?
  • Am I holding resentments toward my spouse?
  • What are the fears that hold me back from initiating devotional time?

Don’t forget to visit the FREE Resources page:

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The Goose and Golden Eggs

The Goose… A Lesson on Relationships

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We must take care of our goose (our marriage), if we are to receive the blessings (the golden eggs).

We must take care of our goose (our marriage), if we are to receive the blessings (the golden eggs).

Watching the movie, Puss in Boots, reminded me of Aesop’s Fable, The Goose that Laid the Golden Eggs. Humpty Dumpty is searching for the Goose that laid the golden eggs. He goes to great lengths to deceive Puss into helping him steal the Goose. I smiled throughout the movie because it reminded me of the use of this fable in my counseling room with families and couples. What does the Goose have to do with relationships or marriage? Stay with me… The applications are very valuable. First, let’s review the story (my version)…

One day, a poor farmer discovered, in the nest of his pet goose, a glittering egg. At first, he thought it was a trick, but as he picked up the heavy egg, he realized he should get a second opinion – just in case…

To his surprise, it was pure gold! “I’m going to be able to pay off some debt with this,” the farmer thought to himself. The next morning, he was excited to check the goose. Again, he found yet another golden egg. The farmer gave the goose even more attention and the goose kept giving golden eggs. This went on for several days. He became very wealthy. 

One morning, something changed… The farmer was no longer excited and willing to tend to the goose. He became impatient and thought, “I don’t want to wait another day to get one golden egg.” So, the farmer went to the goose, opened it up… reached in… But to his surprise, well… there were no golden eggs – not even one! The farmer had destroyed the one thing that produced his wealth.

There are several valuable lessons we can apply to our lives. Let’s define what the farmer, the goose and the golden eggs represent in the context of relationships and marriage:

  • The Farmer – represents each of us in our relationships (husband, wife, father, mother, daughter, son, etc.).
  • The Goose – represents the actual marriage, family or relationship.
  • The Golden Eggs – represents all the blessings (the valuable things, people and experiences) brought about by the Goose (joy, home, fun, friendship, possession, security, companionship, intimacy, etc.)

Now, let’s take a look at three lessons…

LESSON 1: You Have an Important Part – Be Responsible

First, it is important to realize that without the farmer (you and I), the Goose cannot survive. But with the farmer’s devotion, the Goose (relationship/marriage) not only survives, but also thrives. As farmers, we are responsible for our actions toward the Goose and how we handle the Golden Eggs (blessings).

Some couples and families come to me for assistance because they find themselves in a desperate place. Usually, they have tried “everything” under the sun without success. One of the goals early on is to clarify to the couple/family that they hold a part of the problem. We then discuss what’s feeding the “problem” and conclude that we all play into the drama. This means we need to own up our share and stop pointing the finger. We need to be responsible for ourselves and invest in our relationships.

Sometimes, pride gets in the way of allowing healing to occur. Each person believes they are doing the greatest amount of work. They become resentful and begin isolating, which results in a hardened heart. This is when we hear couples say, “I love him/her like the father/mother of my children, but I don’t love him/her as a husband/wife or a man/woman.” – this is for another blog post.

For more on this topic, go to:

There are four behaviors that express our irresponsibility. These become stumbling blocks for genuine intimacy with the Goose. We can be irresponsible by:

1. Neglecting the Goose – Completely disregarding the needs of the Goose.

          Examples: Not spending time, discounting concerns and pleasing the self.

2. Abusing the Goose – Being disrespectful, using sarcasm as a way to undermine and using controlling tactics.

          Examples: Using sarcasm, defensiveness, using physical violence and abusive language.

3. Idolizing the Goose – Giving excessive consideration to the point of becoming consumed by the Goose and loosing our relationship with God and self.

          Examples: Placing too much importance on the marriage to the point of not engaging on daily prayer or reading of the Word.

4. Killing the Goose – Ending the relationship – in bad terms…

          Examples: Divorcing due to “loss of love” (not all divorces are bad – just want to clarify), abandoning or avoiding the relationship without resolving conflict and actually murdering the individual (it happens).

LESSON 2:  Care for the Goose – It Honors God

Part of caring for the Goose is feeding and having a place for it to sleep, but it’s not enough. The Goose needs a relationship – connection… It’s interesting that when we have something new, we give it all our attention, we show it off, we dream about it at night, we have so much expectancy….

Over time that same excitement is lost. We become bored and begin to focus on all the things we are responsible for – feeding, washing and picking up the poop of the Goose (gross!). As things get older, they tend to break down – that’s when we don’t want to take care of it. Tending the Goose takes time, energy and consistency, which is not always glamorous. To top it off, it’s so hard when we just can’t see the Golden Eggs. So what do we do? Here are six ways to care for the Goose:

  1. Participate in everyday contact – make it a point to talk to the Goose often
  2. Encourage often – praise the Goose for all the Eggs you are both enjoying
  3. Create routines and rituals – that’s when great memories happen, but make them fun!
  4. Be intentional – have an end goal and purpose in mind
  5. Be patient – allow room for errors
  6. Ask for help – you don’t know everything, request assistance when needed

If you loose the Goose, you loose the Eggs – You can’t have your Eggs and Eat the Goose too!

LESSON 3: Blessings are God Given – Enjoy Them!

Some of us are so focused on being responsible and caring for the Goose, that we forget to enjoy the Eggs the Goose produces. In life, there must always be balance. When we do things mechanically, we don’t allow ourselves to taste the flavor of the experience. God gave us the Goose so that we may enjoy the fruits and blessings it has for us – the Eggs, which give us great joy in life.

Sometimes, the smallest things in daily life make it worthwhile. Why? Because they come from God – and “every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” – James 1:17 (NLT) What are some of those blessings? Let me share a few of mine with you:

  • Our home – although really small (it’s cozy), we have food and warm beds…
  • Friendships – so many good times with friends – laughter and tears together
  • Coffee – I know… my morning cup of Joe with the Lord is something I cherish daily… I sit in front of a large window and observe my little friends (two hummingbirds, a couple of random birds that seem to like to sit on the same spot)…
  • Memories – all the great experiences with my husband, friends, family and co-workers…
  • Past emotional injuries – yes, I believe that all the trials I have encountered have a purpose in shaping the person I am today – These can sometimes be Golden Eggs in disguise, so I welcome them!

These may seem small and a bit insignificant, but I savor these Blessings – they fill me in an inexplicably way. Now that you have learned about Aesop’s fable, think about the state of the Goose in your life… How have you been treating the Goose lately?

I would love to hear your feedback and comments…

Rest in His Word: Psalm 21:3

“For You meet him with the blessings of good things; You set a crown of fine gold on his head”(NASB)

Heart Checkup:

  • What is your take on Aesop’s fable? What can you apply in your relationships/marriage?
  • How have you been treating the Goose lately?
  • Can you name three Golden Eggs in your life?

Sweeter Roots – Part II

23 February 2012

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Once your relationship with your energy source is in place, you will learn to practice the art of forgiveness.

Previously on, Sweeter Roots – Part I, we discussed three sweet seeds that work as a safeguard to protect your heart from residual bitter roots. We found these seeds in 2 Peter 1:5-9:

“For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins.” (NIV)

Now, let’s take a look at the last three sweet seeds that help safeguard against bitter roots…

Fourth Seed: Kindness – Safeguard against Body Language

“Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ.” – Philippians 1:27 (NIV)

Being aware of your body language is very important if you want to build trust and empathy with your spouse. When sensory stimulus (activity that rouses or incites) is repeatedly paired with a feeling, such as an angry spouse who screams, we become conditioned (accustomed to react). Therefore, when there is a particular cue, you may automatically be triggered to feel and behave a certain way. This is how flooding occurs (Gottman’s third sign).

Why? This is because the more used to we are with being with other people, we subconsciously learn to read their body language – this triggers emotions and memories – then we begin to make sense of it by predicting what will happen then – then we react automatically even before the event occurs (flinching, eye rolling, etc.).

So, let’s use the same conditioning, but with positive stimulus. We begin doing this by changing our body positions, facial expression (smile), eye contact, and tone of voice (these are all positive cues). You have to be very intentional (aware). Your body language has great persuasion abilities. If you can modify your body, this will have an effect on how receptive you are to your spouse. In addition, this influences your spouse to modify their body language. The effect = a more welcoming atmosphere. If you want your spouse to trust you, be clear with your words and unambiguous about your body language – they should both match!

Example of Body Persuasion: If your spouse is displaying closed body language (folded arms), try to have them walk or give them something to hold (a more open stance).

Fifth Seed: Perseverance – Safeguard against Failed Repair Attempts

“An offended friend is harder to win back than a fortified city. Arguments separate friends like a gate locked with bars.” – Proverbs 18:19 
(NLT)

Many of the sweet seeds mentioned above are already working to buffer against Failed Repair Attempts. Here, we put all those things together and this is where you attempt to let your spouse know when you are not able to handle the conversation. This is what I call being Proactive vs. Reactive (I think this will have to be a separate post). Briefly, know your own triggers, listen to your body, be aware of what’s going on with your spouse – and most importantly, call a Time-Out – don’t wait till you’ve already gone up the roof!

Repair attempts are very important as they decrease emotional tension. By preventing your heart from racing and making you feel flooded, it lowers the stress level and you will be more receptive to your partner’s point of view. Take a time out first and then effectively repair.

Example of Proper Time-Out (Short Version): Let your partner know that YOU need a time-out. Designate a specific time when you will both resume the conversation. When taking time out, do something that will help you soothe and calm you down (walk, music, shower, etc.). Then, write down what you want to say – try an “I message.” Once you are calm, then you are ready to speak again.

Example of an Effective Repair: “Honey, we (or I) got worked up and I said things I regret. I’m sorry for saying those mean things to you. I am willing to work harder on this with you. Would you be willing to start fresh?”

Sixth Seed: Godliness – Safeguard against Bad Memories

“But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today,” so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.” – Hebrews 3:13 (NIV)

This one is probably the most important seed we must cultivate. Godliness here is expressed as the continuous cultivation of our relationship with God. Without this, we will not go far. Proper heart protection doesn’t just happen. Rather, we must exercise our faith muscles! “Discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness” – 1 Timothy 4:7 (NIV)

Once your relationship with your energy source is in place, you will learn to practice the art of forgiveness (read blog post: A Beautiful Word). Part of the problem with un-forgiveness is that the focus is on self, instead of God and others. It is a selfish act! Therefore, it is not Christ-like because it produces an array of bitter fruit such as: slander, anger, jealousy, fear, impatience, depression, mistrust, pride, unkindness and revenge. Wow!! Do you really want to carry these with you? Well, that’s what we do when we don’t forgive. Learn to ask for and give forgiveness.

Example Asking for Forgiveness: “Honey, there is something we need to talk about. The Lord has shown me the sinful behavior I have exhibited against Him and you by being unkind and impatient with you. With God’s help and grace, I am making appropriate changes. I never intend to repeat this offense against you or the Lord. I have asked the Lord for forgiveness, but I would like to ask you to please forgive me. Will you forgive me?”

Rest in His Word:

For the Husband: Proverbs 31:23 – “Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.”

For the Wife: Proverbs 31:28 – “Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.”

Heart Checkup:

  • In what ways can you express love to your partner or family member? Once you have them – do it…
  • In what ways have I been passive during conflict with my partner. Have I been taking responsibility for my part?
  • What bitter fruit have I been harboring in my heart? Slander, anger, jealousy, fear, impatience, depression, mistrust, pride, unkindness and revenge – name any other ones not listed and confess them to the Lord.
  • Are you living out the statements of the above Proverb? What needs to change?

Author’s Note: In his book, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, Gottman discusses behaviors that he has observed (during lab research) in marriages that are successful and those that are harmful to marriage. If you want to find out about the seven principles determined as positive aspects of a relationship, please refer to Gottman’s book (Click on Recommended Reading List – Under Couples Category).

Sweeter Roots – Part I

21 February 2012

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Get rid of bitterness and plant sweet seeds into your relationship. It will produce sweeter roots = A happy and lasting marriage!

In the previous post, Bitter Roots, we discussed six categories that produce bitter roots and ultimately result in an unhappy marriage or even divorce. These are: (1) Criticism, (2) The Four Horsemen (3) Flooding, (4) Body Language, (5) Failed Repair Attempts, and (6) Bad Memories*. These represent bitter seeds that were planted and cultivated in an individual’s heart, which resulted in bitter roots. So, how can we get rid of the bitterness and bring in some sweetness? Begin planting sweeter seeds. This in turn will produce sweeter roots = A happy and lasting marriage!

Now, the following seeds begin protecting your heart from residual bitter roots. Getting rid of these destructive patterns is no easy task, but if you begin cutting out those roots and begin practicing, and replacing them with sweet seeds, then you will begin to produce good fruit. “Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is recognized by its fruit.” – Matthew 12:33 (NIV)

We find in 2 Peter 1:5-9 six qualities (sweet seeds) we must develop in our hearts in order to harvest sweet roots:

“For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins.” (NIV)

Since there is so much material I want to cover, I’ve divided this topic into two parts – don’t want you to start flooding! So stay tuned for Sweeter Roots – Part II.

Now, let’s take a look at the first three sweet seeds that help safeguard against bitter roots…

First Seed: Self Control – Safeguard against a Harsh Startup

“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” – James 1:19-20 (NIV)

It all starts with recognizing that you are only in control of what you think and say. You are not in control of what your spouse feels, thinks or does. Taking responsibility for your part means being patient to listen to your partner’s point of view, without interrupting. This entails validating and empathizing their feelings and thoughts. Put your agenda aside and give your undivided attention. There will be time for you to share your viewpoint.

Example of Partner Validation: “So, what I heard you say is that you feel frustrated when I forget to pick up the cleaners. I can see why you would be disappointed. I’m so sorry honey. The last thing I want is for you to think you can’t depend on me. I will put a reminder on my calendar.”

Second Seed: Knowledge – Safeguard against The Four Horsemen

“My son, if you accept my words and store up my commands within you, turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding— indeed, if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God. For the LORD gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.”

– Proverbs 2:1-6 (NIV)

Part of getting rid of the Four Horsemen (Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling) is to pay attention to the plank in your eye before attempting to look at the speck of sawdust in your partner’s eye (Matthew 7:3-5). Many times, it’s hypocritical to assume THEY can and should change first, when you know how difficult it is for YOU to change.

Once you have taken the plank out of your eye, then you may be able to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). Don’t make stuff up – tell it like it is, but pour some honey on top of that. This creates an opportunity for influence – not control over your spouse.

Learn how to make specific complaints and requests through the use of “I messages.” These lower defensiveness and increase clarification. They will seem kind of silly at first, but then you will experience the benefits of full expression of feelings and thoughts that can lead to a more satisfying relationship. Remember, stick to one topic and make it short and sweet!

Example of an I Message: “I feel frustrated (feeling word) when you forget to pick up the cleaners (state the behavior that is a problem) because I think I can’t depend on you (talk about your thoughts) and what I want is for you to put a reminder on your calendar so you don’t forget.”

Third Seed: Goodness – Safeguard against Flooding

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” – Galatians 6:9 (NIV)

Focusing on your partner’s strengths is essential if you are to safeguard against flooding. Too frequently, the negatives outweigh the positives, which result in a disengaged heart. Re-writing your inner script can help take those thoughts captive! (2 Corinthians 4:5) Thoughts of righteous indignation can be replaced with thoughts of appreciation. Replace cruel and resentful attitudes with soothing and validating acts.

Implement the Ratio of 5 to 1 Positive to Negative Actions Rule! There should be more positive interactions with one another vs. negative exchanges (read blog post: Heart Deposits for more on this topic). This means that you will have to be intentional about your time together – it’s the little things that add up, so do it daily. 

Rest in His Word:

For the Husband: Colossians 3:19 – 
”And you husbands must love your wives and never treat them harshly.”

For the Wife: Proverbs 14:1 – “A wise woman builds her house; a foolish woman tears hers down with her own hands.”

Heart Checkup:

  • Confess to the Lord ways you have “lost control” with your spouse.
  • Become Knowledgeable about your shortcomings (planks in your eye) – try sharing them with your spouse and check to see how accurate you are… of course, once it feels safe for you.
  • Actively look for “good” things your spouse does or says and verbally praise him/her. Then, write them down and go over them when you find yourself thinking negatively about them.

*Author’s Note: In his book, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, Gottman discusses behaviors that he has observed (during lab research) in marriages that are successful and those that are harmful to marriage. If you want to find out about the seven principles determined as positive aspects of a relationship, please refer to Gottman’s book (Click on Recommended Reading List – Under Couples Category).