Tag Archives: Anger

How’s Your Fuse? Understanding Anger

9 July 2012

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Get to know what pushes your anger button. Once anger triggers are recognized, you can take steps to ensure those buttons are not pushed.

Learning to manage anger is a daily choice some of us have to make. My frustration level has been so high for the past three weeks that I’ve had to remind myself of checking my fuse. Anger is not a bad emotion; it’s when it becomes too strong, happens frequently and begins to last too long that it becomes a problem. When out of hand, anger ruins relationships and can lead to violence or aggression. This is why it’s important to understand your anger.

If you have children, you can use this concept of the “Firework” to teach your child how to recognize their triggers as well as what goes on inside their body as they begin to get angry. I will write a blog specifically on how to teach children about anger soon. In the meantime, use this form with pictures to learn about your triggers, how long your fuse is and what occurs in your body (How’s Your Fuse_ Understanding Anger). If you haven’t read blog post, Anger’s Two Cousins, please do so.

Match – Trigger that lights up your fuse

The match represents the triggers or events that are perceived as threats to: person or property, self-identity or self-esteem and getting your perceived needs met. Examples: (1) You are an hour late to your business meeting due to traffic, (2) Your friend forgot your birthday or (3) Your teenage daughter rolled her eyes at your request.

Get to know what pushes your anger button. Many people are surprised that once anger triggers are recognized, they are able to be proactive and take steps to ensure those buttons are not pushed. It sounds simple, but you may need to take some time to actually think about this. Next time you begin to get upset, notice what event (person, comment, facial expression or statement) pushes your anger button. Then, you remember you have three choices:

  1. Avoid the trigger
  2. Change the way you think about the person or situation (trigger)
  3. Use calming techniques to reduce the level of arousal

Fuse – Your reaction (thoughts)

These are the automatic thoughts you may have. Examples: (1) “How could he say that about me?” (2) “How can he be so cruel?” (3) “I feel so upset.”

Avoiding your triggers is not always possible, but you can change the way you view the triggers in your life. The more thought you give into what triggers you, the longer your fuse will get. This will give you an opportunity to think about your choices. One thing that has always helped me in dealing with anger is the following script: “I can’t change others, I can and choose to change how I react.” Next time your thoughts spiral down a negative path, remember to change them and see how that affects how you feel. See blog post – The Link Between Thoughts and Feelings

Explosive Container – Your body’s response

These are the physical symptoms that your body experiences (body sensations) as well as feelings.

Examples: Sweating, heart pounding, hand makes a fist, shoulders tense, headaches, etc. Includes feelings: Sad or insulted.

Many individuals are not aware of what their body is experiencing when they are getting upset. Learn to listen to your body. Tune into your body sensations and learn to give yourself a break. Don’t let it escalate to the point of no return. Allow yourself to relax. If you don’t, chances are you will regret your choices. In addition, recognize your feelings about the situation. If you feel safe enough, express those emotions to the person whom you are having the conflict. Don’t bottle your feelings and thoughts. Instead, express them in a proper and timely manner.

Steps to Controlling Anger:

  1. Take a deep breath!
  2. Realize that anger is a decision – you must control it or it will overtake you.
  3. Understand that there are consequences. What will happen is you let anger control you? Make a list.
  4. Reflect before reacting. Ask yourself: Why am I angry? What do I need? How can I verbalize it?
  5. Talk to the person you are upset with. Don’t bottle it up. Instead, take some time to talk it out once you are calm.
  6. Re-Program your mind. You can only change your mind, not others. Let go of what is out of your control.

I hope this has helped you have a better understanding of anger and how just being aware of your triggers, your body sensations and thoughts can help you keep anger under control. There is so much more to learn about anger and I will continue to post more information. With everything we do, practice is key.

Rest in His Word: Proverbs 22:24-25

“Don’t hang out with angry people; don’t keep company with hotheads. Bad temper is contagious – don’t get infected.” (MSG)

Heart Checkup:

  • How long is your fuse? Short – Medium – Long
  • What can I do today to help me be more aware of my triggers?
  • What thoughts are feeding into my anger triggers? Write them down and then re-write them into a more healthy and positive perspective.

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6 Tips for Dealing with Anger Outbursts

29 May 2012

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If we want children to do as we say, then we need to model that for them.

Our family is a newly foster-adoptive family. A couple weeks ago, we had two lovely siblings stay in our home. To maintain confidentiality, we’ll name 4 ½ girl (Zoe Girl – ZG) and 2 ½ boy (Zoe Boy – ZB). During their stay, I experienced ZB’s first anger outburst. Here’s what happened….

We were sitting on the couch watching Veggie Tales, when I caress ZG’s hair and suddenly ZB pulls ZG’s hair. I said, “ZB, we are nice. Please stop.” He then hits my face, gets off the sofa and walks away backwards, while attempting to spit on me. He continues to point his fingers and tries to spit once again. He fails miserably as it lands on his shirt. He stands behind the sofa and gives me his back. I then walk toward him, get on my knees and say, “Sweetie, I know you’re angry. I feel sad when you hit my face. It hurts. Let’s be nice.” Then, he starts crying, puts his arms up (a sign to carry him). I pick him up and comfort him. He stops crying. I then reinforce the “Be nice” catchphrase by saying, “This much better… we can be nice to each other.”

Following are six tips I hope can help in dealing with anger outbursts in your home:

  1. Show empathy – Showing empathy doesn’t mean tolerating “bad behavior.” It means you show the child you accept them as a person. Use I messages – “I am sad when you hit me. It hurts. I would like you to keep your hands to yourself.”
  2. Be clear and make it short – Children need to know ahead of time what you expect of them. One of the scripts that we have implemented in our home is the following: “We are nice, we don’t hit.” Don’t give the child a long sermon on the reasons they are not to hit. You will loose them.
  3. Don’t take it personal – Don’t make yourself that important. I do mean this in a loving way. Taking things personal means we allow ourselves to be consumed with “I.” It takes the focus off the child. We are the adults. They are children. Therefore, we are to guide them into more healthy styles of relating.
  4. Role model – If we want children to do as we say, then we need to model that for them. Children are beginning to learn about boundaries. Show them what you mean with your words and actions. Kids are watching our every move!
  5. Be consistent – Setting boundaries with your child doesn’t mean they will change after the first time. There needs to be plenty of practice experiences. I always say that conflict is great because it allows the child and the parent to get to know each other better, to experience each other at a deeper level. Although this statement may sound weird, children will need to learn how to deal with conflict in the home. They will go out into the real world one day, so let’s prepare them.
  6. Always end with touch – Now, if your child does not allow you to touch them, I suggest you respect that boundary. If your child does respond to touch – PLEASE end with a hug!

Here’s the worksheet: (6 Tips for Dealing with Anger Outbursts)

Rest in His Word: Proverbs 11:29

“He who brings trouble on his family will inherit only wind, and the fool will be servant to the wise.” (NIV)

Heart Checkup:

  • Go back to the list and mark the ones you already implement with your children. Great!
  • Now, for the ones that you didn’t check, pick one that you can begin implementing today. Just one. Focus on it, get good at it and share it with others. Once you master it, move to another item.

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A New Perspective

6 February 2012

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Choosing to see a person for who they are and not label them due to our own expectations, will set you free.

I have a confession to make – one I’m not very proud to share. There’s something that’s been bothering me for a while and it may not seem like a big deal to some, but it has been bugging me for months. A shopping cart is parked on our front lawn every night by an old man who lives with our neighbors. Yes, I said a shopping cart. Okay, not right in front, but on the division of the home toward our side. So, every night after a long day at work, I see this cart. And every morning on my way out, I see this cart. It looks UGLY! I don’t think it helps with the curb appeal.

The thoughts I’ve had have been the following, “Who in their right mind would leave a cart in front of someone else’s home (my home),” and “The nerve of people to take something that’s not theirs.” I’ve told the following to my husband, “Maybe we should hide the cart or take it back where it belongs… at the grocery store!” Okay, the funniest, but not the nicest comment I made was this past Christmas. Me: “Honey, what if we put some Christmas décor on the cart… maybe he’ll get the hint.” Okay, that one was bad, but hey give a girl a break. As a friend of mine will say, “REALLY?”

After all these months of being frustrated and debating if I should tell the old man to get the cart off my lawn, I was convicted this morning. Yes, finally the Lord broke me in. It was a beautiful day as I’m putting my stuff in the car. I know you’re asking yourself, “Was the cart there?” Yes! I look over and the cart was still there. I go back inside my house, grab my bag and I’m back to my car when all of a sudden I see the old man pushing his cart. Something inside me made me say, “!Buenos días!” – that’s “Good morning” in Spanish. And behold, the old man turned around, stopped his cart, smiled and said, “!Buenos días Señora!” That’s “Good morning ma’am.” He seemed pleasantly surprised, that I said hello. We both kind of stared for a while, then he proceeded to push his cart and go along.

So, after that interaction, I no longer feel frustrated when I see the cart parked in front of our lawn. Why? I think what happened is that once I made contact with the individual and I was able to empathize with his situation, my perspective changed. I see this a lot in my therapy room. For example, when couples are angry at each other, they often forget to see one another. And I literally mean seeing (eye to eye). They loose respect for one another and it’s hard to feel empathy, which results in bitterness and un-forgiveness.

Choosing to see a person for who they are and not label them due to our own expectations, will set you free. In my case, I had to learn to prioritize what was truly important. I had to do a Heart Checkup. The following quote by Eric Hoffer can help begin the process of checking your heart:

“The capacity for getting along with our neighbor depends to a large extent on the capacity for getting along with ourselves. The self-respecting individual will try to be as tolerant of his neighbor’s shortcomings as he is of his own.”

So, whom do you need to give a break this week? Is there someone or something that has been bothering you? Ask God to give you the opportunity to see the person eye to eye – in a new perspective. Chances are that you will see them the way God’s sees them and that something that was bothering you will no longer seem as important.

Rest in His Word: Romans 12:18

 “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”

Heart Checkup:

  • What’s getting on your nerves lately? Tell God what bothers you, he’ll understand.
  • Tell God what your expectations of self and others are (although he already knows)… and hear what He has to say about the situation.
  • Now, watch diligently for opportunities to change your perspective.