Tag Archives: Frustration

Anger’s Two Cousins

19 May 2012

3 Comments

Don’t allow your anger to become sin by letting it stir and boil within your heart.

Anger is an emotion that we all experience as human beings. What differs is how we express it. For some, it’s a struggle to manage anger. Unfortunately, when not managed, anger has destructive consequences. Some individuals loose their job; others suffer from relationship breakups and personal inner turmoil. As we experience anger, it’s important we learn how to deal with it effectively.

Let me share the following scenario:

Rose had a rough night. Got four hours sleep. Woke up late and had to hurry to get ready. Didn’t make the drive thru for her coffee. She gets to the office late, which her boss frowns upon. She couldn’t concentrate during the meeting… kept thinking of all the things she had to do at home. She feels pressured to finish the deadline for the company’s project. It’s finally time to go home. She’s stuck in traffic. Has a huge headache. Then, remembers she didn’t take the chicken out to defrost, so she has to go through drive-thru. Gets home and it’s a mess. Her honey arrives and makes a face at the food she bought. Then…. Yes, it’s coming. She can’t take it anymore. She yells at him, starts to cry, throws the sandwich on the floor, storms into her room and locks herself in.

Wow! Is it too dramatic? Let’s be honest, we can all relate. It starts with one little thing, in this case, poor sleep. Then it just trickles down. Let’s clarify that anger just doesn’t come upon us, but that we can identify early on when those anger triggers are lit up. Only then are we able to nip anger in the butt before it turns ugly. How do we do that? Well, let me introduce to you three cousins that can help bring some clarity. They are:

Cousin 1 – Frustration

  • Frustration is annoyed all the time. Nicknamed the Complainer. Tends to roll his eyes, puffs, moans and groans. His internal script is – “I can’t change the situation and it’s affecting my well-being.”

Cousin 2 – Anger

  • Anger is well known and popular. Nicknamed Grumpy. He tends to walk around irritable, raising his voice and walking away from people – just plain old rude. Sometimes he tends to isolate or he can be up in your face. His internal script is – “Look what they did to me, they don’t love me, they don’t care about me.”

Cousin 3 – Aggression

  • Cousin aggression is hostile and violent. Nicknamed the Bully. He physically, verbally and emotionally violates other’s rights. He knows this and doesn’t care. He only looks out for his own well-being. His internal script is – “I don’t know what to do! I feel threatened here. I need to protect myself.”

So what do you think about these three cousins? How often are they in your home? Now, I introduced the three them so you can see how it’s possible to move from frustration to anger, which can then lead to aggression. Yes, they are all the same – just varying degrees. I just wanted to make some distinctions to help you in identify how your triggers get lid up. Frustration is anger, just on a smaller scale. And aggression is anger on a larger scale.

Now, they serve crucial functions. Yes, believe it or not, they are helpful and have some good – if we choose to see it. Let’s go back to their internal scripts and identify the themes:

Cousin 1 – Frustration

  • Script: “I can’t change the situation and it’s affecting my well-being.”
  • Theme: UNMET NEEDS

How is it helpful? Well, as you begin to get frustrated, practice identifying what bothers you. Name it. Then, determine what you can do about it. If it’s out of your control, then let it go. There is always an unmet need. What is it? Learn to ask for help. Rewrite your script. For example, “Gosh, I slept four hours. No wonder I’m so irritable. When I get home, I am taking a bubble bath and going to bed early. It would help if my hubby picks up dinner. I will call and ask.”

God’s Word: “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” – James 1:19 (ESV)

Cousin 2 – Anger

  • Script: “Look what he did to me, he doesn’t love me, he don’t care about me.”
  • Theme: HURT

How is it helpful? Well, take a look at what hurt you? Again, name it. Being aware of what bothers you is much more helpful than walking around grumpy and not knowing where its coming from. Are you able to tell the person that hurt you? What is the evidence you have that your script is true? If there is none, then maybe you need to evaluate your script. Replace it with a more realistic script. For example, “He did leave the room, but he always comes back and tells me he loves me. I will tell him how much it hurts me when he walks away.”

God’s Word: “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” – Ephesians 4:26-27 (NIV)

Cousin 3 – Aggression

  • Script: “I don’t know what to do! I feel threatened here. I need to protect myself.”
  • Theme: FEAR

Now, at this point, whatever you say to yourself or what others say won’t be helpful. If cousin Aggression is already in the room, I’m sorry to say that it’s a bit too late. What needs to happen after cousin leaves the room is to evaluate the situation. This is done once you are calm again. Only then, can you really think about what you’ve done and what is going on internally for you. So, name the fears. What was so bad? Try to come up with a list of options. Maybe share them with someone who can give a more balanced perspective.

God’s Word: “Put your sword back in its place,” Jesus said to him, “for all who draw the sword will die by the sword.” – Matthew 26:52 (NIV)

If you don’t want these three culprits lurking your home, I suggest you try to identify some of the internal scripts, needs and behaviors you may be exhibiting. Once identified, it will be easier to express your needs and set proper boundaries. Don’t allow your anger to become sin by letting it stir and boil within your heart. Follow the Lord’s example by forgiving and not holding resentments. Overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21).

Here’s the worksheet (Anger’s Two Cousins)

Rest in His Word: Psalm 145:8

“The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.”(NIV)

Heart Checkup:

  • Go back and examine the three cousins. Make it a point to truly examine your heart in these three areas. Bring the scripts and themes to God so He can reveal to them to you.
  • Find an accountability partner whom you trust. Share what you are learning, implementing as well as the daily struggles.
  • Always pray for wisdom and self-control.

*Author’s Note: The term, “Anger’s Two Cousins,” originated from Paul White (Child Therapist).

Couple’s Devotional Time – Is it a Daily Struggle?

30 March 2012

5 Comments

Share a moment with your spouse to acknowledge your dependence on God to make your marriage the best it can be.

After having our devotional time, with a cup of coffee, this morning, I couldn’t help but feel great joy and gratitude for being married to a wonderful man of God. I’m going to be honest and tell you that I haven’t always felt this way. During the first couple years of our marriage, I longed for my husband to lead us into devotional time. I would suggest, give hints, give direct commands, throw tantrums, get upset… you know, I tried it all… except to truly pray to the Lord with this one longing and desire I had – for my husband to be the spiritual leader of our home.

Until one day, the Lord revealed to me that He has been working on my husband (and myself)… I just needed to be patient and loving. Well, after 12 years of being married, I can say the Lord answered my prayer. Of course, nothing is ever perfect, but what a difference it makes when my husband asks me if I want to have devotional time… priceless.

Ladies, have you ever felt frustrated with your husband’s lack of initiative in the spiritual department? The busyness of life can get in the way of these special moments between couples and God. If you feel discouraged about your situation, just let God do His work. Your job is to pray for your husband and continue having your personal devotional time. When he does initiate, thank him for taking the lead. And most of all, enjoy those moments – cherish them. There’s more to be said about this topic, but I just wanted to instill some hope for you today. Wait upon the Lord.

If you are a husband, take the lead today… it doesn’t have to be professional, nor does it have to be a long devotional. Don’t set a goal of daily devotional. Be realistic. Maybe start once a week and work your way up. The point is to share a moment with your spouse to acknowledge your dependence on God to make your marriage the best it can be.

I would love to hear your feedback and comments… What are some of the barriers that keep you and your spouse from having devotional time?

Rest in His Word: Psalm 119:15

“I meditate on your precepts and consider your ways.” (NIV)

Heart Checkup:

  • Have I been praying for God to change my husband or have I prayed for our spiritual hunger to grow?
  • Am I holding resentments toward my spouse?
  • What are the fears that hold me back from initiating devotional time?

Don’t forget to visit the FREE Resources page:

http://edithpont.com/free-resources-2/

The Five Fingers of Listening

The Five Fingers of Listening: Teaching Kids Listening Skills

Featured
The Five Fingers of Listening

Parents, we must teach our kids how to listen.

I often hear the phrase, “My kid just won’t listen to me.” Parents of little ones are frustrated, tired after a long day at work and the last thing they need is their child ignoring their requests. So, if you find yourself discouraged with the current situation, I hope the following helps bring things into a new perspective.

Most of the information we gain is not through our eyes, but our ears. Listening is a skill, not a talent we are born with. I don’t know about you, but my parents did not teach me all the skills I needed as a child to listen effectively. If anything, my mom used to just look at me, and I would know she was upset. She would sometimes raise her voice, or yell, to get her point across. Parents, we must teach our kids how to listen. This means it will take effort and energy, but you will soon see the fruits of your hard labor.

Teach your Child – The Five Fingers of Listening

I’m not sure where this originated, but I remember my first grade teacher using this all the time in the classroom. Basically, you put your right hand up and teach your child that these are the five things we need in order of fully listen. To make it even more fun, use jungle animal finger puppets. Then, name each finger with a different animal or you can use the child’s favorite animal or character – just be creative!

Your Script: “What are the five fingers of listening?” (Putting your right hand up). Then, name them…

1. Eye to Eye – (Tiger Eyes)

  • The child’s head should be up… make eye contact with the child. If your child is looking away, lower yourself to the child’s level (on your knees) and gently raise their chin to meet your eyes.

2. Ears Open – (Elephant Ears)

  • Point to your ears and pull them gently, taking your head along playfully. You can make a funny face as you pull on your ears to ease the child’s anxiety.

3. Mouth Closed – (Bear Mouth)

  • Use your mouth – open it and dramatically close it, using your index finger to close the mouth as in shhh….

4. Hands Still – (Monkey Hands)

  • Raise both hands at shoulder level and wiggle all ten fingers and then stop and freeze – it shows the child they have control over their body. Also, the point is to dramatize it to get their Attention. If you don’t make it fun, you loose your kid.

5. Feet Firm – (Lion Feet)

  • Lower your voice and say, ”quiet feet, stand firm,” and do the soldier’s pose.

The key to helping your child become an effective listener is to do it early on, but don’t feel bad if you didn’t have the tools then and your little one is older. There is still hope. Just be consistent and make it fun and use props if possible.

I will be posting more tips on this topic, but would love to hear what the needs of your family are, so I can assist you adequately. Please share what has worked in your home – The best way to learn is from each other.

Here’s the worksheet (The Five Fingers of Listening – Teaching Kids Listening Skills)

Rest in His Word: Proverbs 18:13

“Answering before listening is both stupid and rude.” (MSG)

Heart Checkup:

  • In what ways have you been modeling listening skills to your child?
  • Are you following the Five Fingers of Listening? Remember, you are the best role model for you child.

A New Perspective

6 February 2012

1 Comment

Choosing to see a person for who they are and not label them due to our own expectations, will set you free.

I have a confession to make – one I’m not very proud to share. There’s something that’s been bothering me for a while and it may not seem like a big deal to some, but it has been bugging me for months. A shopping cart is parked on our front lawn every night by an old man who lives with our neighbors. Yes, I said a shopping cart. Okay, not right in front, but on the division of the home toward our side. So, every night after a long day at work, I see this cart. And every morning on my way out, I see this cart. It looks UGLY! I don’t think it helps with the curb appeal.

The thoughts I’ve had have been the following, “Who in their right mind would leave a cart in front of someone else’s home (my home),” and “The nerve of people to take something that’s not theirs.” I’ve told the following to my husband, “Maybe we should hide the cart or take it back where it belongs… at the grocery store!” Okay, the funniest, but not the nicest comment I made was this past Christmas. Me: “Honey, what if we put some Christmas décor on the cart… maybe he’ll get the hint.” Okay, that one was bad, but hey give a girl a break. As a friend of mine will say, “REALLY?”

After all these months of being frustrated and debating if I should tell the old man to get the cart off my lawn, I was convicted this morning. Yes, finally the Lord broke me in. It was a beautiful day as I’m putting my stuff in the car. I know you’re asking yourself, “Was the cart there?” Yes! I look over and the cart was still there. I go back inside my house, grab my bag and I’m back to my car when all of a sudden I see the old man pushing his cart. Something inside me made me say, “!Buenos días!” – that’s “Good morning” in Spanish. And behold, the old man turned around, stopped his cart, smiled and said, “!Buenos días Señora!” That’s “Good morning ma’am.” He seemed pleasantly surprised, that I said hello. We both kind of stared for a while, then he proceeded to push his cart and go along.

So, after that interaction, I no longer feel frustrated when I see the cart parked in front of our lawn. Why? I think what happened is that once I made contact with the individual and I was able to empathize with his situation, my perspective changed. I see this a lot in my therapy room. For example, when couples are angry at each other, they often forget to see one another. And I literally mean seeing (eye to eye). They loose respect for one another and it’s hard to feel empathy, which results in bitterness and un-forgiveness.

Choosing to see a person for who they are and not label them due to our own expectations, will set you free. In my case, I had to learn to prioritize what was truly important. I had to do a Heart Checkup. The following quote by Eric Hoffer can help begin the process of checking your heart:

“The capacity for getting along with our neighbor depends to a large extent on the capacity for getting along with ourselves. The self-respecting individual will try to be as tolerant of his neighbor’s shortcomings as he is of his own.”

So, whom do you need to give a break this week? Is there someone or something that has been bothering you? Ask God to give you the opportunity to see the person eye to eye – in a new perspective. Chances are that you will see them the way God’s sees them and that something that was bothering you will no longer seem as important.

Rest in His Word: Romans 12:18

 “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”

Heart Checkup:

  • What’s getting on your nerves lately? Tell God what bothers you, he’ll understand.
  • Tell God what your expectations of self and others are (although he already knows)… and hear what He has to say about the situation.
  • Now, watch diligently for opportunities to change your perspective.