Tag Archives: Heart

The Goose and Golden Eggs

The Goose… A Lesson on Relationships

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We must take care of our goose (our marriage), if we are to receive the blessings (the golden eggs).

We must take care of our goose (our marriage), if we are to receive the blessings (the golden eggs).

Watching the movie, Puss in Boots, reminded me of Aesop’s Fable, The Goose that Laid the Golden Eggs. Humpty Dumpty is searching for the Goose that laid the golden eggs. He goes to great lengths to deceive Puss into helping him steal the Goose. I smiled throughout the movie because it reminded me of the use of this fable in my counseling room with families and couples. What does the Goose have to do with relationships or marriage? Stay with me… The applications are very valuable. First, let’s review the story (my version)…

One day, a poor farmer discovered, in the nest of his pet goose, a glittering egg. At first, he thought it was a trick, but as he picked up the heavy egg, he realized he should get a second opinion – just in case…

To his surprise, it was pure gold! “I’m going to be able to pay off some debt with this,” the farmer thought to himself. The next morning, he was excited to check the goose. Again, he found yet another golden egg. The farmer gave the goose even more attention and the goose kept giving golden eggs. This went on for several days. He became very wealthy. 

One morning, something changed… The farmer was no longer excited and willing to tend to the goose. He became impatient and thought, “I don’t want to wait another day to get one golden egg.” So, the farmer went to the goose, opened it up… reached in… But to his surprise, well… there were no golden eggs – not even one! The farmer had destroyed the one thing that produced his wealth.

There are several valuable lessons we can apply to our lives. Let’s define what the farmer, the goose and the golden eggs represent in the context of relationships and marriage:

  • The Farmer – represents each of us in our relationships (husband, wife, father, mother, daughter, son, etc.).
  • The Goose – represents the actual marriage, family or relationship.
  • The Golden Eggs – represents all the blessings (the valuable things, people and experiences) brought about by the Goose (joy, home, fun, friendship, possession, security, companionship, intimacy, etc.)

Now, let’s take a look at three lessons…

LESSON 1: You Have an Important Part – Be Responsible

First, it is important to realize that without the farmer (you and I), the Goose cannot survive. But with the farmer’s devotion, the Goose (relationship/marriage) not only survives, but also thrives. As farmers, we are responsible for our actions toward the Goose and how we handle the Golden Eggs (blessings).

Some couples and families come to me for assistance because they find themselves in a desperate place. Usually, they have tried “everything” under the sun without success. One of the goals early on is to clarify to the couple/family that they hold a part of the problem. We then discuss what’s feeding the “problem” and conclude that we all play into the drama. This means we need to own up our share and stop pointing the finger. We need to be responsible for ourselves and invest in our relationships.

Sometimes, pride gets in the way of allowing healing to occur. Each person believes they are doing the greatest amount of work. They become resentful and begin isolating, which results in a hardened heart. This is when we hear couples say, “I love him/her like the father/mother of my children, but I don’t love him/her as a husband/wife or a man/woman.” – this is for another blog post.

For more on this topic, go to:

There are four behaviors that express our irresponsibility. These become stumbling blocks for genuine intimacy with the Goose. We can be irresponsible by:

1. Neglecting the Goose – Completely disregarding the needs of the Goose.

          Examples: Not spending time, discounting concerns and pleasing the self.

2. Abusing the Goose – Being disrespectful, using sarcasm as a way to undermine and using controlling tactics.

          Examples: Using sarcasm, defensiveness, using physical violence and abusive language.

3. Idolizing the Goose – Giving excessive consideration to the point of becoming consumed by the Goose and loosing our relationship with God and self.

          Examples: Placing too much importance on the marriage to the point of not engaging on daily prayer or reading of the Word.

4. Killing the Goose – Ending the relationship – in bad terms…

          Examples: Divorcing due to “loss of love” (not all divorces are bad – just want to clarify), abandoning or avoiding the relationship without resolving conflict and actually murdering the individual (it happens).

LESSON 2:  Care for the Goose – It Honors God

Part of caring for the Goose is feeding and having a place for it to sleep, but it’s not enough. The Goose needs a relationship – connection… It’s interesting that when we have something new, we give it all our attention, we show it off, we dream about it at night, we have so much expectancy….

Over time that same excitement is lost. We become bored and begin to focus on all the things we are responsible for – feeding, washing and picking up the poop of the Goose (gross!). As things get older, they tend to break down – that’s when we don’t want to take care of it. Tending the Goose takes time, energy and consistency, which is not always glamorous. To top it off, it’s so hard when we just can’t see the Golden Eggs. So what do we do? Here are six ways to care for the Goose:

  1. Participate in everyday contact – make it a point to talk to the Goose often
  2. Encourage often – praise the Goose for all the Eggs you are both enjoying
  3. Create routines and rituals – that’s when great memories happen, but make them fun!
  4. Be intentional – have an end goal and purpose in mind
  5. Be patient – allow room for errors
  6. Ask for help – you don’t know everything, request assistance when needed

If you loose the Goose, you loose the Eggs – You can’t have your Eggs and Eat the Goose too!

LESSON 3: Blessings are God Given – Enjoy Them!

Some of us are so focused on being responsible and caring for the Goose, that we forget to enjoy the Eggs the Goose produces. In life, there must always be balance. When we do things mechanically, we don’t allow ourselves to taste the flavor of the experience. God gave us the Goose so that we may enjoy the fruits and blessings it has for us – the Eggs, which give us great joy in life.

Sometimes, the smallest things in daily life make it worthwhile. Why? Because they come from God – and “every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” – James 1:17 (NLT) What are some of those blessings? Let me share a few of mine with you:

  • Our home – although really small (it’s cozy), we have food and warm beds…
  • Friendships – so many good times with friends – laughter and tears together
  • Coffee – I know… my morning cup of Joe with the Lord is something I cherish daily… I sit in front of a large window and observe my little friends (two hummingbirds, a couple of random birds that seem to like to sit on the same spot)…
  • Memories – all the great experiences with my husband, friends, family and co-workers…
  • Past emotional injuries – yes, I believe that all the trials I have encountered have a purpose in shaping the person I am today – These can sometimes be Golden Eggs in disguise, so I welcome them!

These may seem small and a bit insignificant, but I savor these Blessings – they fill me in an inexplicably way. Now that you have learned about Aesop’s fable, think about the state of the Goose in your life… How have you been treating the Goose lately?

I would love to hear your feedback and comments…

Rest in His Word: Psalm 21:3

“For You meet him with the blessings of good things; You set a crown of fine gold on his head”(NASB)

Heart Checkup:

  • What is your take on Aesop’s fable? What can you apply in your relationships/marriage?
  • How have you been treating the Goose lately?
  • Can you name three Golden Eggs in your life?
Cleaning our Inner WardrobePart1

Cleaning Our Inner Wardrobe: Four Essential Areas – Part 1

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Cleaning Our Inner Wardrobe - Two Essential Areas:(1) Heart & (2) Mind

Cleaning Our Inner Wardrobe – Two Essential Areas:
(1) Heart & (2) Mind

How does one begin the process of clearing our inner wardrobes? I’ve separated them into four areas to help you understand the importance of each, but the work must be done in all categories in order to see the full benefits. They operate together, but you may notice that you feel stronger in some areas, while weaker in others. Daily evaluations of these four areas is crucial for our overall growth, so take a close look and make a plan of how you can proceed. Don’t be hard on yourself. Instead, be assured that this is a lifelong process in which we all strive for growth.

Due to the material, I am going to divide this post into two parts. I really want you to think about the first two and meditate what that means for you. Then, I will present the other two areas that need cleaning.

FIRST ESSENTIAL AREA: Cleanse your HEART – “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” Psalm 51:10 (NIV) 

Before you begin any process, you need to pray for God’s help and guidance. This means admitting that you need God’s help! You can’t do it alone. Next, acknowledge there’s an inner problem; this is crucial to the healing process. This means that you understand that change is needed and that you are willing to take the necessary steps for growth. It’s not enough to be aware that there’s a problem. You have to take it further – commit to making the necessary changes. Leave the rest to God.

  • Hebrews 10:22 – “Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water.”

Confess the state of your heart. Humble yourself before the Lord and share you inner thoughts. This means admitting the inward and outward offenses against yourself and others. Bring them to light. Bring them to the Lord. He’ll understand… Literally make a list your offenses and present them to the Lord. There’s something powerful when we take the time to put things into print, when our eyes see our rubbish and we share them with God. Granted, God already knows ALL, but it’s about being honest with yourself and the Lord – this is genuine relationship.

  • Psalm 32:3-5 – “When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. 
For day and night your hand was heavy on me; 
my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. 
I said, ‘I will confess 
my transgressions to the LORD.’ 
And you forgave the guilt of my sin.” (NIV)

Share your plans with someone you trust. This allows for some accountability and also a sense of community. Partner with someone for prayer, Bible study and wise counsel. Remember that we are the body of Christ – let other’s be there for you. You will bless someone else when they see your growth. When we share our battles with others, I believe it keeps us honest. This means, you will be challenged to examine your true intentions. Are you ready for that?

  • Philippians 2:14 – “Do all things without grumbling or disputing”
SECOND ESSENTIAL AREA: Discipline your MIND – “So think clearly and exercise self-control. Look forward to the gracious salvation that will come to you when Jesus Christ is revealed to the world.” 1 Peter 1:13 (NLT)

What we contemplate in our minds will impact our heart attitude and results in outward behaviors. Matthew 15:18 – “But the words you speak come from the heart—that’s what defiles you.” (NLT)

It’s unfortunate, but the statistics from a 2010 survey found that Americans watch more television than any other leisure activity. Here’s what they found:

  • *“On an average day, individuals age 15 and over spent half of their leisure time watching TV. (Data are from the 2010 survey).”
  • * “Individuals age 75 and over spent more of their leisure time watching TV, reading, and relaxing and thinking than individuals ages 15 to 19. The younger age group spent more of its leisure time socializing, engaging in sports and exercise, playing games and using the computer for leisure. (Data are from the 2010 survey).”


As we can see, our society places more value on television, phone apps, movies, etc. than on their personal and spiritual wellbeing. That is a problem! Here is where you need to be honest and ask yourself, “Where am I spending most of my time?” Are you cultivating your relationship with God on a daily basis or is your value on watching movies or connecting with your friends on Facebook? Sorry, but I have to be honest here. We put too much effort in other things and neglect our spiritual life. Where are your thoughts? Are they in the things of God or the world?

  • Romans 12:2, “Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” (NLT)

Now, let’s identify the current state of your inner wardrobe. Name the pieces that are damaging your wardrobe. In other words, identify those things that are getting in the way of having a clear and focused mind on what’s important. Be specific. For example: too much television, addictions, chronic worrying, past traumas/emotional injuries, unforgiveness and insecurities.

Now, name the lies you have believed since childhood. This is a tough one for many of us. Part of us just wants to move on and never look back. That’s part of the problem. Let’s acknowledge the pain, identify what we can do about it and hold on to God’s truth for us. What are some examples of those lies? Here they are a few:

  • I don’t deserve love
  • I am a failure
  • I am worthless
  • I am different (don’t belong)
  • I am insignificant

BE TRANSFORMED by replacing the lies with God’s Truth! Now that you’ve identified the lies, search for what God says about you – His Truth! Below are a couple of examples of how you can use God’s word to replace those lies:

  • Lie: I don’t deserve love
  • Truth: I am loveable. God loved me so much that he sent his Son as a sacrifice for my sins. – 1 John 4:10
  • Lie: I am worthless
  • Truth:  I am Worthy. God chose me and appointed me to go and bear fruit. – John 15:16
  • Lie: I am different (I don’t belong)
  • Truth: I belong to God. I am not a stranger or a foreigner; I am a citizen along with God’s holy people. I am a member of God’s family. – Ephesians 2:19

Identifying God’s truths is an important part of taking those thoughts captive. God’s word calls us to be different than the world. This means we have to take certain measures to protect ourselves. So, protect your mind by changing the way you think! Practice daily. It may help to use index cards to write down these truths and memorize them. When the insecurities or lies creep up, crush them with God’s word!

  • 2 Corinthians 10:5 – “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” (NIV)

Are you ready to begin the process of cleaning your inner wardrobe? If anyone has ever told you that it doesn’t have to be hard let me tell you that they are setting you up for failure. Yes, this is difficult work. You are not just cleaning your closet – you are cleaning your spiritual closet. But remember, you “can do all this through him who gives” you strength – Philippians 4:13 – God believes in you!

Stay tuned for part 2 – Cleaning our Body and Spirit!

Rest in His Word: Psalm 119:105

“Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path.”

Heart Checkup:

  • What’s been getting in the way of being honest with God?
  • What have my eyes been seeing? What have my ears been hearing? How are these getting in the way of hearing God’s voice?
  • What can I change today? Choose one thing and work on it. Then move on to another…

*Graphs and Quotes taken from: United States Department of Labor – http://www.bls.gov/tus/charts/LEISURE.HTM

Our Inner Wardrobe

28 February 2012

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Sometimes, our heart and mind is similar to our closets; we clutter them with useless and unhelpful items, which become our inner wardrobe.

It’s that time of year again when I usually begin to clean out my closet and fill up bags that end up at the Salvation Army. I take out my clothes, try it on and dispose of items that are too worn or that don’t fit anymore. It’s so liberating to be able to let go of “stuff” that I just don’t use or is no longer a good fit.

I must admit that the process of cleaning out my closet is uncomfortable. It’s a drag having to take everything out, just to put it back in. I have to try on items that sometimes I know just won’t fit and have to face that reality. After I’m done trying things, I think, “I can’t put the clothes back in with dirty shelves.” So, I then proceed to dust off the shelves, clear out any spider webs hanging on the ceiling corners and end up cleaning the floors. Only then do I feel the clothes are ready to be put back in. During the entire process, I try to focus on the end result: a de-cluttered closet = a focused mind.

Sometimes, our heart and mind are similar to our closets; we clutter them with useless and unhelpful items (problems, lying, anger, worries, un-forgiveness, resentments, past emotional injuries, negative beliefs, and all kinds of idols). These become our inner wardrobe. We wear them as a way to mask our pain, to distract us from our fears and to satisfy our cravings. But there comes a point where that inner closet gets full – a tremendous amount of energy and time is used to push and shove things inside. Why? So that others won’t see the truth within! And why are we surprised when we open the door and things come spilling out on top of us? The stench is so strong that we can no longer deny there’s a problem.

It’s a good idea to clean out our spiritual wardrobe. We cannot disconnect the mental (mind), physical (body) and emotional (heart) well being from the spiritual (soul & spirit). When there’s a deficiency in the spiritual department, other areas suffer.  Some pieces in our wardrobe are still functional and good pieces, while others need to be completely eliminated. When we remove these pieces that are actually damaging the “image” of the rest of our wardrobe, we make room for our true inner selves to shine! – Philippians 2:15

You see, it’s not about your outer garment; it’s ALL about your inner wear. Whatever is in your heart, will ultimately spring forth – “For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.” – Matthew 12:34 (NIV). It’s the OVERFLOW that matters. Many times, we get so busy trying to maintain our outward appearance that we forget about the inner heart. “The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” – 1 Samuel 16:7 (NIV)

How do we begin the process of clearing our inner wardrobes? Stay tuned for the next blog post – Cleaning Our Inner Wardrobe – for some practical steps you can take to help you in this process.

Rest in His Word: Psalm 86:11

“Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth; 
give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name.”

Heart Checkup:

  • What’s inside your inner wardrobe? Take a good look!
  • In what ways have you neglected your spiritual wardrobe?
  • In what ways have you tried to mask the pain within?
  • How have you been busy with pleasing man with your outer appearance?

Bitter Roots

14 February 2012

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Don’t destroy your marriage – Tend to the roots!

Working with couples can be extremely difficult as well as rewarding. When two individuals, with different perspectives come to a point where it is too much for them to even be empathic with one another, it’s easy to lose hope. It’s not a good place to be when you perceive your spouse to be your enemy, instead of your ally. It’s no wonder that many couples call it quits – it’s no way to live – this lifestyle drains your energy and leaves you dry.

Hebrews 12:15 tells us, “see to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” I see these kinds of roots growing in many hearts today. The word defile is defined as unclean, corrupting the purity and contaminating. What does it look like to defile? Well, John Gottman gives us a clear picture of behavior that couples engage in that lead to divorce (or unhappy marriages)*. I believe these are the bitter seeds that have been growing within the individual and are now bearing sour and bitter fruit. Let’s take a look at these six signs (seeds) that are so harmful to marriages.

First Sign: Harsh Startup – The way you and your spouse start a conversation is the most important indicator of how well the discussion is going and how it will end (not good). If it begins with criticism or sarcasm, it is considered a “harsh startup.” This means: TRY AGAIN! 

Second Sign: The Four Horsemen – Another sign that things are not going well and that the couple is in serious trouble is the four horsemen, which are four particular types of negative interactions that must be AVOIDED at all costs! Because they are so toxic to the relationship, Gottman calls them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Pretty scary right? Okay, here they are:

1. Criticism: Attack your partner’s personality/character – sometimes with the intention of making them wrong (defending your case – you really want to win).

  • “Why are you so forgetful? I hate having to always take out the trash when it’s your turn.” This is a criticism –- it focuses on the person’s character, not the behavior.
  • Generalizations: “you always…” “you never…”“you’re the type of person who …” “why are you so…”

2. Contempt: Attacking your partner’s sense of self – sometimes with the intention to insult or psychologically abuse him/her.

  • Insults and name-calling: “bitch, bastard, wimp, fat, stupid, ugly, slob, lazy…”
  • Hostile humor, sarcasm or mockery. Non-verbal language and tone of voice: huffing, eye rolling, putting the hand…
  • This is fueled by the negative thoughts you have of your spouse.

3. Defensiveness: Playing the “victim” role – this puts blame on your spouse.

  • Cross complaining: making a complaint of your own when your partner brings up a complaint or criticism.
  • Disagreeing and then cross complaining: “That’s not true, you’re the one who…” “I did this because you did…” “You did it first…”
  • Making excuses like: “It’s not my fault…” “I didn’t…” “It was out of my control”
  • Yes-butting: start off agreeing but end up disagreeing
, repeats themselves without listening to the other person,
  • Grumbling: “It’s not fair.” “If you did it, I can too…”

4. Stonewalling: Because the conflict is too much, withdrawing from the relationship seems safer. This may seem less of a struggle, but in reality it expresses disapproval of your partner and creates distance, disconnection and loneliness in the marriage.

  • Stony silence
: the partner who folds their arms and says…. Nothing
  • Monosyllabic mutterings
: “Yeah” or “Uh-huh”
  • Changing the subject
  • Removing yourself physically
: leaves the grounds – drives off, goes into room, etc.
  • Silent Treatment: doesn’t talk for hours… or days

Third Sign: Flooding – Flooding occurs when your spouse’s negativity is so overwhelming that it leaves you feeling out of breath – shocked. Couples report feeling defenseless and how they react is by learning to do anything that avoids a replay of their spouses negativity. Once flooding is present, it is difficult to get rid of – the person is more hypervigilant and highly reactive to their spouses’ cues, which results in them disengaging emotionally from the relationship.

Fourth Sign: Body Language – Body language can tell you a lot more than words sometimes. 98% of communicaiton is non-verbal, so how you present yourself to your spouse, says a lot about your attitude and your heart condition.

Fifth Sign: Failed Repair Attempts – These are the efforts made to deescalate the tension during a difficult discussion. This is really the inability of the couple to recognize they are being flooded and ask for a break to prevent further damage – “Let’s take a break,” “Wait, I need to calm down,” “I need a time-out.” This deficiency in recognizing the need to cool off and call it out, leads to the point of no return.

Sixth Sign: Bad Memories – Once negativity has taken over the relationship, the relationship’s past, present and future are put at risk of being sabotaged over and over. When you tend to view your spouse negatively, chances are that you will recollect the past with unhelpful thougths – and your present will be exasperated, which leads to a hopeless future.

Now that you’re aware of the six signs that DESTROY a marriage, go back and put a check on the behaviors you are currently exhibiting in your relationship. Be honest with yourself. Looking at self is the beginning of healing.

So, you are asking, “What can I do to safeguard my heart from these bitter roots?” Stay tuned…

Rest in His Word: Proverbs 15:4

“The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit.”

Heart Checkup:

  • What are some of the bitter roots growing in my heart?
  • How can I begin to cultivate a heart of empathy and love toward my spouse?

*Author’s Note: In his book, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, Gottman discusses behaviors that he has observed (during lab research) in marriages that are successful and those that are harmful to marriage. If you want to find out about the seven principles determined as positive aspects of a relationship, please refer to Gottman’s book (Click on Recommended Reading List – Under Couples Category).

Heart Deposits

26 October 2010

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We may not always get to choose what we deposit into our hearts. But, we can choose what we withdraw.

I went to the bank yesterday to make a deposit. We recently changed banks at work, so I had to speak to the teller regarding some issues. She informed me that I cannot go over 10 checks or there will be a charge of 17 cents per check. Wow! I thought, “I need to be careful not to go over 10 checks per transaction or else this will get expensive.”

On my way to the office, I began thinking of how our hearts work like a banking system. Let me explain. You see, we too have a bank where we deposit our dreams, desires, disappointments and heartbreaks – our HEART. So, since we deposit into this account on a daily basis, we need to be careful of what information enters as well as how and when this information is withdrawn.

From our hearts spring forth the thoughts and words that are in the deepest part of our soul. Matthew 15:18-19 says, “But evil words come from an evil heart and defile the person who says them. For from the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, all other sexual immorality, theft, lying, and slander.”

Unfortunately, our words have the power to HURT or to HEAL. We hurt others with a very small part of our body – the tongue. We can either use it to spark a great fire of gossips and lies or we can use it to edify and encourage. We may not always get to choose what we deposit into our hearts. But, we can choose what we withdraw. Once we are ready to make a withdrawal, our hearts will reveal our true intentions.

Rest in His Word: Psalm 19:14

“May the words of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart be pleasing to you, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.” (NLT)

Heart Checkup:

  • Check the condition of your heart – Psalm 139:23-24
  • Listen and think before you speak – James 1:19-20
  • Deal with your anger, don’t let it stir within – Matthew 5:25-26, Ephesians 4:26-27
  • Ask God for help daily – Psalm 141:3, Psalm 19:14