My First Mother’s Day: A Letter to Our Son’s Biological Mother

ALetterToOurSon'sBiologicalMotherIt’s my first Mother’s Day! I’ve been feeling so many mixed emotions. I just came back from church and our son is taking a nap. It’s been six months since J joined our family, but if feels like he’s been here longer. I am the most blessed mother today, yet part of me is hurting for his biological mother. I wasn’t going to share this letter here on my blog, but I want to be transparent about what’s going on in my life. So, here’s my letter to our son’s biological mother.

Dear ______,

Where do I begin? I want to start by giving you a big hug and recognizing that today is your day too; we both celebrate Mother’s Day. I sometimes wonder if you think about J? If you miss him… or if you are going to realize that you want to fight for him? So, I wait… trusting that God will do what’s best for him.

I want you to know that I don’t judge the choices you made that resulted in the consequences for J. I forgive you. And I pray that, with God’s help, J will be able to work through his feelings and forgive you as well. I truly believe that God has a greater plan, which we both are not aware of. If anything, I am thankful for your life. Thank you for not ending the life of this child. Thank you for giving him life.

We have not met, but by seeing J, I know that there is so much good in you. And I sometimes wonder if his hands or laugh is yours and that makes me smile. Part of you is in him – so thank you. He is such a marvelous, smart, funny, intelligent, gentle, loving child – and the list goes on… I cannot see my life without J. He is a gift from God to us; you were the vehicle that God used to bring him to us and for that I am forever grateful.

Although the adoption is not final, it feels like J is already our son. I don’t like the word adoption… it just doesn’t fit for me… when I hold him, he feels like such a big part of me. God, how can you love someone like this? I can only imagine it might feel similar to when a mother holds her newborn… feeling an overwhelming sense of awe! Words cannot describe my love for J.

Please note that I’m not the perfect mother – J can tell you that! But I can assure you that I will absolutely love, nurture, protect and most of all, guide him into God’s loving arms. Wherever you are, may you feel J’s love… may you feel God’s loving whispers… and may you feel my love for you. Happy Mother’s Day!

I Rest in His Word: Psalms 127:3-5

“Don’t you see that children are God’s best gift? the fruit of the womb his generous legacy? Like a warrior’s fistful of arrows are the children of a vigorous youth.
 Oh, how blessed are you parents, with your quivers full of children!
 Your enemies don’t stand a chance against you;
 you’ll sweep them right off your doorstep.” (MSG)

Letting Go of Worries: The Surrender Tree

Think of yourself as a tree, rooted in Christ.

Think of yourself as a tree, rooted in Christ.

I learned at a very early age that loving others meant worrying about them. My culture values closeness and that comes along with sharing intense emotions. These patterns then become ingrained beliefs that we play out in our adult relationships. For some, worry becomes a way of life. It took me a while, but now I know better; I can care and love someone, but I don’t have to cling to the negative thoughts and feelings that accompany worry. I can let go and allow God to take full control.

One thing that really helped me let go of the worry cycle is the realization that I’m not in control. You see, worrying is a false sense of control; it is unproductive and tiring, not just for you, but also for others around you. Jesus said in Matthew 6:27, “Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?” (NIV)  The answer is NO! It’s impossible, yet we allow the thoughts to rob our joy. In the process of worrying, we are also loose out in life by not being engaged in the present moment.

Worry also hinders our ability to have compassion. When we are busy serving worry, there is no way we can serve God. And if we are not serving God, how can we extend His love and compassion? Again, it’s impossible! We become self consumed… we isolate… we begin to spiral down to a point of despair. Too much worry then becomes anxiety, which paralyzes our problem solving abilities and creates relationship problems. In a sense, we are allowing our fears to take over!

So let’s get to the big question, “How do I let go of my worries?” There is a method called the worry tree, which guides the worrier into three questions to help decide the appropriate action*. I’m going to use the original concept, but I’ve adapted it to include Biblical verses; without God’s Word, we just mask the problem. Please note that this is very condensed version and it’s just a starting point to help alleviate your worries.

The three main questions are (Click here for - Letting Go of Worries – The Surrender Tree Worksheet):

  1. What am I worrying about?
  2. Can I do something about it?
  3. Is there anything I can do right now?

As you can see from the above questions, these are helpful in assisting you identify the necessary action steps. Most of our worries may lie in the NO category, which can be the most difficult ones to let go because we usually want to take control, but since we can’t, we become even more anxious. The truth is that we are in control of certain things and the rest we must leave to God. This is why I called the tree, The Surrender Tree. In life, we must learn to surrender daily to God – without true surrender, we are susceptible to high anxiety.

Think of yourself as a tree, rooted in Christ. Use Psalm 1 as a visual to help you get grounded in God’s truth. “Blessed is the one
 who does not walk in step with the wicked
or stand in the way that sinners take
 or sit in the company of mockers, but whose delight is in the law of the Lord,
 and who meditates on his law day and night. That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,
 which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither – whatever they do prospers.” Psalm 1:1-3 (NIV)

I hope this worksheet is helpful to you in surrendering your worries to God. May you experience His goodness and see the fruit multiplied in your life! Please let me know if you tried this and how it went.

Rest in His Word: Matthew 11:28-30

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.(NIV)

Heart Checkup:

  • List all your worries on a sheet of paper. Then, present them to God. Tear the paper and let them go!
  • Ask God how these worries are masked by fears. What are the underlying fears?

* Cognitive Behavioral Therapies for Anxiety Disorders: Mastering Clinical Challenges by Butler, Fennell, and Hackmann, 2008

Three Common Temptations Based on Three Basic Human Needs

Embrace Your Identity in Christ: You are chosen (1 Peter 2:9) – You are worthy (1 Corinthians 6:11)

Embrace Your Identity in Christ: You are chosen (1 Peter 2:9) – You are worthy (1 Corinthians 6:11)

As God’s children, knowing who we are in Christ is essential for our spiritual success. If we don’t know the Truth, God’s Word, we won’t know God or ourselves, which can result in spiritual damage. We find Jesus tempted by Satan in Matthew 4:1-11. Although He is God, He was led by the Spirit to be tempted with the same three temptations common to man. In addition, Jesus models for us three basic human needs that can help us understand ourselves in relationship to God.

Matthew 4:1-11 (NIV):

“Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desert to be tempted by the devil. After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. The tempter came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.” Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’” Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written: “‘He will command his angels concerning you,
 and they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’” Jesus answered him, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’” Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. “All this I will give you,” he said, “if you will bow down and worship me.” 10 Jesus said to him, “Away from me, Satan! For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.’” 11 Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him.”

Let’s review:

  • Jesus was led by the Holy Spirit
  • He fasted, then he was tempted
  • He knew who He was and was sure of His relationship with His Father
  • He knew the Truth, word of God, and used it to defeat the tempter

As we can see, Jesus was tempted with the same temptations we face today. We are not alone in our struggles. Although He is God, He understands us because He experienced it Himself. Hebrews 2:17 says, “For this reason he had to be made like his brothers in every way, in order that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in service to God, and that he might make atonement for the sins of the people.” (NIV) Don’t you just love that? He did it for us. He did it for you!

Let’s look at the three common temptations and how these are rooted in three basic human needs:

  1. Primitive Level – Human Need to Trust

Tempter says, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.”

Truth says, “He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.” – Deuteronomy 8:3 (NIV)

This temptation is rooted at the primitive level; the human need to trust. The first thing the tempter mentions is bread. How we love our food! But it goes beyond the belly. We are like infants in great need to be taken care of. It’s about being able to attach to someone who we trust and feel safe. We long to be able to trust others, but with imperfect relationships come feelings of disappointment.

Unfortunately, we tend to view God from that same tainted lens. That’s where the tempter comes in and brings in fear masked by worry. We worry about what we will eat, wear and how we will pay next month’s mortgage, etc. You see, we are hard wired for survival. If we go back to the beginning, Adam and Eve took matters into their own hands. They did not trust God. They jumped the gun and began wandering in the Ifs… We know the results – separation from God.

Trust God: God will provide your basic needs (Philippians 4:19) – Jesus is the bread of life (John 6:35)

  1. Relational Level – Human Need for Love

Tempter says, If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written: “‘He will command his angels concerning you,
 and they will lift you up in their hands,
 so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’”

Truth says, “Do not put the Lord your God to the test as you did at Massah.” – Deuteronomy 6:16 (NIV)

In this second temptation, the tempter brings about our need for relationship – to be loved. God created us for relationship with Him and others. It’s interesting that Satan would tempt Jesus’ knowledge of who God is. You see, if we don’t know God, we don’t know ourselves. In this temptation, we find that when there is relationship with God, there is a sense of safety. Safety is built on trust. Trust is built on relationship.

Jesus knew God; he knew that God was trustworthy, so there was no need to test God’s character. Why? Because His relationship was built on love! God loved His Son. Jesus had a relationship with His Father. Therefore, He did not need to please others nor please His own pride by tempting God.

Receive God’s Love: God loves you (John 3:16) – He will protect you (2 Samuel 22:3-4)

  1. Core Level – Human Need for Identity

Tempter says, “All this I will give you,” he said, “if you will bow down and worship me.”

Truth says, “Fear the Lord your God, serve him only and take your oaths in his name.” – Deuteronomy 6:13 (NIV)

The last temptation deals with our core need for identity. Notice how the tempter uses the word “if” in all his statements. He tries to confuse us by instilling doubt about our identity in Christ. As humans we are in a quest to understand who we are, what we were created for and for our purpose in life. It is so vital for us to Biblically define our beliefs about God, self and others. We cannot be defined without Christ. Being rooted in Christ means knowing the fear of God, which is the motivation for all decisions.  Not knowing our true identity will lead to self-indulgence, search for power, bowing down to idols, which leaves us with a false sense of identity.

Embrace Your Identity in Christ: You are chosen (1 Peter 2:9) – You are worthy (1 Corinthians 6:11)

I do pray that after reading this your eyes may be opened to see the importance of knowing that the tempter is out to deceive, but that you are a conqueror because of Christ. Remember, the tempter always has a secondary plan or gain that leads us toward destruction. In order to gain, we have to give a part of ourselves. Is that worth it? After everything that Christ done for us will we allow these temptations to lure us in? I pray we keep our focus on Christ. He will give us the daily strength to endure and defeat the tempter. But we have to believe who we are in Christ. If you doubt your identity, practice believing God’s truth by reading and meditating on it daily. With time, it will become rooted in your mind, heart and soul.

(Listen to God’s I am Promises here)

Rest in His Word: Jeremiah 1:5

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations.” (NIV)

Heart Checkup:

  • List two ways you have been tempted in each of the three categories.
  • How have you tried to defeat the temptation?

Time to Say Goodbye

People will come and go; that’s part of the seasons of life. Some will mark your heart for eternity.

This Friday our family said goodbye to our 8-year-old foster child. She was with us for a little over four months, but it seemed like we had known her for a long time. Saying goodbye can sometimes be difficult. Will we ever see her again? Will she be okay? Will she remember us? Did we do enough? These are some of the questions I found myself pondering. Truth is, it doesn’t matter what I think. What matters is that our heavenly Father loves her and He is in control of her life.

Declining to adopt her into our family was difficult. It’s not about whom she is or her “difficult” behaviors that prompted us to say no. Rather, that we, at this time don’t feel able to give her the best she deserves. It’s about where we are. I’ve come to realize that as much as I feel her pain, I can’t rescue her. That’s God’s job. We did the best we could in the short time she was with us, but that still doesn’t make it easy on my heart. I am trusting in His sovereign plan and purpose for her life and ours.

People will come and go; that’s part of the seasons of life. Some will mark your heart for eternity. She is one of those… I miss you little one. As I see your picture on my fridge right now, I pray that God’s peace, love and joy fill your heart. You will always be in my heart and prayers. Thank you for teaching me how to love and be intentional with my actions. I release you to our Heavenly Father. In His presence you will find all you need. So, it’s time to say goodbye. It’s necessary sometimes to know our boundaries. Will we cross paths again? I hope so, but only God knows. Regardless I’m at peace.

Rest in His Word: Psalm 138:8

“The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever – do not abandon the works of your hands.” (NIV)

Heart Checkup:

  • Whom have you had to say goodbye to?
  • Be honest, how was that for you? How did you handle it?
  • Is there something you didn’t say or do that you wish you had done differently? Talk to God about it.

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Just a Whisper Away

God is ALWAYS next to you, before you and behind you. He is everywhere. He is just a whisper away. Can you hear Him?

I’m guilty of it. Yes, I’m embarrassed to say that in times of distress I too can spiral down into a “desperate” mode. I’m sure some of you can relate. Being in this mode can feel as if you are alone in the world of mixed emotions… with no one to hold you, to care for you, to understand your pain. The past two weeks have been a time of prayer, supplication, tears and hoping that God will hear our request. I’m not ready to share our painful story just yet – I’m still waiting for the miracle.

Hardships can bring in an enormous amount of noise. Yes, noise. The phone rings and you get the news that you have cancer. You see the car approaching. All of a sudden you hear the screeching tires. Then the loud bang that you’ve been hit. It’s very difficult to hear God’s voice during these times. We focus so much on the clatter that we loose touch with hearing God speak to us. During these past days, I’ve been reminded of Elijah’s story found in 1 Kings 19:11-13:

The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.” Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Then a voice said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?” (NIV)

I’m astonished at Elijah’s sensibility in recognizing God’s voice. It takes an intimate relationship to be able to stand firm in the midst of such circumstances. Neither shattering rocks nor wild winds amused him. He was not shaken by the earthquake or mesmerized by the fire. He knew that this was all noise. So he waited… Then, came that gentle whisper… “What are you doing here, Elijah?” (v.13)

Sometimes, the noise around us creates fears and distractions. We notice our surroundings more than discerning God’s plans for us. The result is that we miss God.  Other times, we want God to shout the answers loud and clear. Again, we lack the patience in waiting for Him or inviting Him into our world. How can we hear God when we surround ourselves with irrelevant chatter? What if we practiced silent meditation and learned to listen for His sweet whisper? God is ALWAYS next to you, before you and behind you. He is everywhere. He is just a whisper away. Can you hear Him?

Today, I invite you to quiet your mind and tune your heart to His. Only then will you and I be able to discern His whisper… His voice is gentle… His words are comforting… His touch is soothing. Tell Him your worries and concerns, like Elijah did, and trust that He will guide you into safety.

Rest in His Word: John 10:27

“My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.” (NIV)

Heart Checkup:

  • What are some of the “noises” in my life right now?
  • Write down three things that will help you discern God’s whisper.

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The God of Inconvenience

Whatever the inconvenience, remember that these can be occasions for you to glorify God.

The past two months have been difficult for our family. We welcomed an 8½-year-old girl to our home. Although we have experience as foster parents, we were not expecting the challenges that a child with higher level of care requires. We were under the impression that we were providing respite care (a couple of days minimum), but God had His plan. Regardless, we decided to take the additional training to get certified as Intensive Treatment Foster Parents. Taking those 40 hours felt like a huge inconvenience. My plans were to continue studying and preparing for my licensing exam and we had some other things we are working on as a couple. With this new goal in mind, all my plans were put aside.

How many times have you felt that God has inconvenienced your life? Maybe you felt inconvenienced when your neighbor asked you to take care of their dog for the weekend. Maybe it was when your co-worker’s car broke down and needed a ride home, which is opposite direction of your home. Maybe you felt inconvenienced when your pastor asked you to host the next prayer night in your home. Whatever the inconvenience, remember that these can be occasions for you to glorify God… it’s about putting yourself aside in order to allow God to come between you and someone in need. It really is about glorifying God with your life.

Despite of all my excuses and personal plans, God’s timing is always perfect. Having her in our home is not a coincidence – it is God’s perfect plan. Although our world has been turned upside down, we trust that God is doing a great work in her and in turn building our character. Today, I invite you to be open to the inconveniences that come your way. Look at them as opportunities to reflect the light of Christ. After all, Christ experienced the ultimate inconvenience for you to have eternal salvation!

Rest in His Word: Philippians 2:5-7

“Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing,
 taking the very nature of a servant,
 being made in human likeness.” (NIV)

Heart Checkup:

  • What is God trying to teach me with this inconvenience?
  • Have I been too full of myself to notice others in need?
  • What is one thing I can intentionally do today to help someone?

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